Chimpanpocalypse Now

Scientists will soon be able to "genetically" cross human DNA with that of a Chimpanzee or even dirtier animals, it was claimed yesterday.

After an empassioned defence on behalf of humanity by Conservative MPs, and an embittered assault by their New Labour and "Liberal" "Democrat" counterparts in the house of Commons, the bulwarks fell and the path lay open for any number of gene-splicing franken-xperiments.

The outrageous and grotesque plan involves inseminating innocent and, for the most part, decent human eggs with sperm from the human's less refined cousins, chimps. It is unclear what the supposed benefits would be for the British Empire, although some of the more naïve members of parliament suggested it would help in research into diseases and their remedies. Some claimed, boldfaced, that the experiments could "save thousands of lives".

However, the valid counterpoints to the research were much more palpable in the commons debate. Right-leaning Liberal Democrat member John Pugh said, "Why should we leave it to scientists to set limits on what is morally permissive?"

Why indeed, John.

Nadine Dorries, conservative freedom fighter teller of many truths, also gave voice to her innermost feelings about the experiment, stating earnestly that the idea was "serious, sinister and absolutely, ultimately ridiculous". Sources close to her revealed that she was heartbroken to say the least by the landmark commons decision to the contrary.

Largely unspoken in the house of commons was the direct parallel between the New Labour hybridisation scheme and the events of 1926 in Soviet Russia, when left-leaning dictator Josef Stalin aimed to create a race of half-human, half-gorilla 'supersoldiers' to meet the future needs of the army. While members of parliament kept this parallel unsaid, historians and journalists alike have noted that, moreorless, the situation is exactly the same.

Jeffrey Donaldson predicted worse possibilities still, pointing out that most ordinary people today now have honest concerns about the creation of Minotaurs and pig-goblins like those seen in New Zealand film maker Peter Jackson's documentary The Lord of the Rings. Such concerns highlight the importance of a public debate on the matter; we don't want minotaurs running amok in our fair streets ferchrisakes.

A further result of the decision in the commons will be that single women and even Lesbians will find it easier to have IVF treatment, creating their very own miniature hybrids with which they could form armies and perhaps lay siege to towns like yours.

George 'Humanzee' Bush vetoed a similar bill in 2006 over similar fears; sources described how he was afraid that the little chimpeople would visit him in the night and take his stuff.

Metro on: The End of Mankind

'Humanzee' fear after MP's embryo vote

This is it. The end of humanity. Humanzees are human-chimp hybrids by the way (personally I think 'chumpman' would be a better moniker)

Thank goodness some sensible people are standing up for our right to be humans.

More on this later, from those truth and rationality loving journalists at The Mail...

Metro on: Aliens and Blondes

Space invader 72-yr-old jailed for hitting out

'A terminally ill woman was jailed yesterday for breaking her neighbour's arm with a spade'.

Space invader? What does that mean Mr. Metro writer?

What's that? You just thought it sounded snappy and rushed it out to make deadline without giving any thought to whether or not it actually made any sense at all? Ah, right I see.

Good work on the clumsy use of 'hitting out' as well; where most writers would attach a subject to that phrase, you leave the sentence to tail off like lemmings over a cliff. What did she hit out at? Pfft, who gives a shit, it's only a headline.

Stop! Have some more!

Wife 'loves' boss cheat

'The celebrity wife of the head of the IMF said she still loves him despite his affair with a blonde employee.'

Blonde employee??? She is both a woman (ie a slut) AND blonde???>? WHORE! She isn't capable of (cleverly inverted) 'love'! She can only lust!

Straight out of The Daily Mail school of misogynist journalism. Yeah!

British economic meltdown cripples families like yours with horrifying consequences, making people rush to big superstores to buy cheap televisions

in blow out sales so they can sit at home all day watching Jeremy Kyle and not go to work, with the effect that motorways are gridlocked meaning that ordinary hard working people can't get to their jobs on time just because benefit claiming single mothers want to grab a bargain, according to bloke


In a hard-hitting report last night, The Mail broke the news that a sale held by a new Currys store resulted in traffic jams in the local area. The news comes as a stark illustration of the credit crunch, showing just how dire the global economy is. Entire countries falling to their metaphorical knees is nothing on this.

According to David Wilkes, who was so shocked by the situation that he lost the ability to write goodly, 'Officers did crowd control to stop people being crushed in the queue'. Furthermore, 'A 75-year-old woman who had been waiting in the mammoth queue since 3am collapsed during the chaos and taken [sic] to hospital by ambulance as a precaution' or something or nothing.

One shopper cried: 'Everyone was pushing. One lady had to leave because she felt sick and I had to help a couple in their seventies who were getting crushed.' Another onlooker told how one young couple became so excited by the prospect of a £20 sat nav they actually began tearing their own skin off, while a local PTA member doused a security guard in home-made napalm before being arrested by MI5, who had been tipped off by the store manager that trouble was a-brewing.

The Daily Mail's sub-editor said: 'I was so busy buying a plasma telly for £4.99 that I didn't make it to work on time to write a decent headline'.

Northerners Don't Wash their Hands After Going to the Loo

Dirty rotten Northerners are indeed rotten and, it turns out, dirty, according to a new study carried out by someone from Cheshire.

Research published by the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine confirms what many already suspected; people in the North are a 'bit lax [ha! - Ed] about washing their hands after using the lavatory', meaning their hands are left crawling with deadly diseases, viruses and crabs.

The findings go some way to explaining why Northerners are more likely to vote Labour than their Southern masters - it is thought that the toilet-dwelling bacteria can enter the brain somehow after the dirty bastards fail to wash their hands. The bugs nibble away at the moist and spongy Toryus Plebicommonsensicum region of the brain which is responsible for moderating voting habits and forming normal political opinions. Once spongified, the region is unable to control the host's political preferences and, tragically, Northerners lose their ability to vote for the correct party.

Dr Val Curtis, who led the study and was reportedly 'flabbergasted' by the results, found that the further North her team went, the greater the incidence of faecal matter on subjects' hands and faces. Newcastle was found to be the pooiest city.

Recent polls that show a widening coservative lead over New Labour thankfully suggest that hygiene levels are improving, unlike immigration levels and knife crime which are getting far, far worse and will probably end up killing you.

Metro on: Holiday romances

Foreign flings hit you in Facebook

I think, maybe, this is supposed to be some sort of play on words. As in, something hits you in the face. But why would an intangible concept, i.e., a foreign fling, hit anybody in the tangible face?

Do people use that expression when something goes awry? Maybe it's just me, but I've never heard anyone say, for example, after a bad day at work, 'Crikey, today really hit me in the face'. Furthermore, you wouldn't say anything happened in Facebook. It would happen on Facebook.

This headline is desperately wants to be witty, but manages a play on words about as well as a two year old manages to play on Mah Jong. It makes no sense, means nothing and barely registers as English.

I won't even begin to discuss how vacuous, pointless and mind-buggeringly obvious the article (which has a different headline on the website) itself is.

Metro on: Cutting edge cancer treatments

Eat jam and jelly 'to tackle cancer'

Is this headline based on any factual evidence or does it fall flat on its arse when you actually read the corresponding article?

'"You'd get some protection from eating jam but it's full of sugar. It might be better to get the same protection from fruit and vegetables, which would give you other anti-cancer magic bullets as well"', says Prof. Vic Morris, the man behind the research that resulted in this great moronolith of a headline.

He and his team aren't even sure if the magic anti-carcinogen 'in' jam and jelly even survives after being swallowed.

So yeah, it falls on its arse, misleads, and resides a good few hundred miles away from anything that might hope to be called accurate. Just another day at the Metro innit guv?