Yorkshire Bans Christmas

A college in Yorkshire has banned Christmas this year, and is instead planning a huge bonfire of old festive decorations, around which shamans and hideous goat-demons will dance. Rather than giving presents, families will be forced to sacrifice fluffy animals to pagan deities, stockings will be replaced by gimp suits and instead of mince pies, human flesh will be served wrapped in badger stomachs.

The decision to ban Christmas was made by Yorkshire Coast College in collusion with Ofsted, who both believe the traditional Christian holiday is disgusting and offensive to ethnic minorities. Appropriately named Tory MP Robert Goodwill said in a stunningly original and eloquent statement: 'They [the heathens] are petrified that they offend the minority but what they are doing is offending the majority. It's political correctness gone mad.’

The college, which has been described by critics as ‘The New Oliver Cromwell’, claimed that 'We constantly review the ways in which we communicate, to ensure that we do not discriminate, and part of those reviews means that we have stopped referring to the Christmas Break and Easter Break and we now have End of Term Break.' This statement is clearly little more than unintelligible left-wing nonsense.

The ban follows several other cases of Christmas killing over the past several years, which have resulted in few Britons even being aware that the festival still takes place. Gordon Brown was unavailable to comment on allegations that New Labour is planning to completely replace Christmas with Saturnalia and Easter with Ramadan.

Eating Crisps Will Give You Cancer

Disturbing evidence has been unearthed that crisps are nothing more than a cancer-delivery agent, designed to give anyone eating them the deadly virus. Scientists have warned consumers to add snacks such as Pringles, Hula Hoops, Ryvita and Tesco Ginger Nut biscuits to the 'Do Not Eat' list of carcinogenic foods, which already contains over 100,000 other dangerous products like jelly, sandwiches, coffee and heroin.

The cancer-causing chemical acrylamide forms when when starch-rich foods are fried, baked, grilled or toasted at high temperatures, and it is thought that New Labour has been deliberately frying as many starchy foods as possible in an attempt to kill of voters who might otherwise support the Conservatives. Evidence suggests that over 90% of Tory voters have eaten crisps in the last 12 months.

Despite the Food Standards Agency's conclusion that acrylamide in crips and other starchy 'death foods' should 'not increase concern about the risk to human health' and that 'people do not need to change their diet or alter the way in which they cook their food', critics have warned that the situation is indeed very scary and that things that you might eat every day might kill you and your family. Ignoring the FSA's dangerously irresponsible advise, concerned and socially responsible news publications have been carrying informative warnings in the hope of enlightening the general public to the horrors lurking in everyday foods, waiting to eat your insides.

New Labour Fines Princess Diana £1000

Our contacts at another newspaper have unearthed startling evidence that New Labour is preparing to fine our beloved Princess Di £1000 for having an outdated driving licence.

It emerged recently that photocard driving licences only have a 10 year lifespan, after which they self destruct and the owner is charged £1000 for a new one. Nobody ever knew this because information about the secret expiration date is hidden on the back of driving licences; studies suggest that less than 1% of people ever read the reverse side of any credit card sized object, and thus over 99% of Britons will be hit with an unexpected renewal fee when they are forced to get a new licence. Critics have described the situation as another example of 'politically correct stealth tax gone mad' and have warned that children are likely to suffer as an indirect result somehow.

As the evidence shows, Princess Di now goes under the name 'Christine Robinson' and lives in Cardhampton. She was unavailable for comment at time of press, but it is likely that she was not aware of the fine and finds this kind of left-wing stealth tax appalling.

Cheryl Cole was once a child shocker

Reports suggest that Cheryl 'Fittest one in the band' Cole was not always as glamorous and grown up as she is today.

The singer and X-Factor judge's stunning good lucks are little more than the result of twenty-five years worth of aging and some grooming, The Quail has learned. As these shocking photographs reveal, Cole was once a thirteen year old girl, and wasn't as attractive as she is now. Critics are calling the transformation 'an abuse of our fantasies'.

The photgraphs have led some to believe that Cole is in fact human, and therefore susceptible to the same forces of nature as ordinary people. Pioneering research by German Scientist Hans Von Naked suggests that people who might appear unattractive in their younger days, with features such as 'wispy hair, bushy eyebrows and uneven teeth', can often become more eye-catching given as little as a decade's maturation. The process is known as the 'Noshidsherlok' effect.

Fury over Sarah Palin smear campaign

The liberal media was under fire last night over allegations that Vice President Sarah 'pro-gun, pro-life' Palin is the latest victim of a vicious internet smear campaign designed to ruin her credibility as a real lady politician.

The internet, which is run unknown left-wing forces, launched a ferocious attack on the hockey mom, plastering ghastly photographs of Palin in revealing atire on numerous 'websites' which are visible to anyone searching for her name on the worldwide hypertext network. The campaign comes less than two weeks after a similar attack on Hazel Blears by cyber terrorists who 'googlebombed' search engines like AOL and Ask Jeeves to redirect image searches to fake pictures of the cabinet minister made to look like a giant woman. Journalism student Julie Moult was also a recent victim of the technique, after internet demons linked her name to the word 'idiot'. It is still unclear how 'google bombing', or indeed Google, works.

The images depict Palin in a miniskirt and a bikini while holding a rifle and are thought to be cleverly designed to call attention to the fact that she is female and likes guns, both sensitive factors to her position as the third most important Republican in the Former British Colony of West Virginia (or 'USA').

Adding to calls that the internet should be switched off while the offending photographs are removed, Republican Minister of Truth Barbara Brunton shouted: 'There is a dirty tricks campaign being waged against Sarah Palin by the liberal lobby. They have flooded the internet with photographs of when she was a stripper.' It is not known yet how much of a part Barack Obama's propaganda team had to play in the attack, but one inside source told The Quail that 'they might have done it'.

Internet experts recommended that the best course of action is for people to copy the images and post them on their own websites or 'world-wide web blogs' (WWWBs). This would eventually result in search engines treating the images as 'googlebombs' and filtering them from results, limiting the damage caused to Miss Palin's reputation.

Boffins admit that anti-matter machine will explode the world

The entire Earth, including Britain, will be destroyed next Wednesday it emerged yesterday. Inhabitants of the planet have been advised to quit work and make a list of things to do in the remaining four days, although the Labour government has yet to delcare a public holiday.

On Wednesday, the so-called 'Large Hadron Collider' will be switched on by shadowy scientists living in a network of underground tunnels beneath Switzerland and France. The giant particle accelerator has so far cost taxpayers an astonishing £4.4 billion, money which could have been put to better use supporting struggling coal miners in England, or on reducing knife crime somehow. The money will literally go up in smoke, as it has been revealed that results from the particle collisons won't even be visible to the naked eye.

Apart from when the giant science machine explodes the world that is. Despite warnings in the Dan Brown novel Angels & Demons, which sees the Large Hadron Collider produce anti-matter used to blow up the Vatican, reckless scientists are determined to switch the accelerator on anyway, dubbed 'Death Star III' by critics. Now, rational sources are claiming that the 'LHC' will bring about the apocalypse within days, by creating 'showers of black holes'. Respected science journalist Fiona Macrae details in a devastating report how the death machine 'will create a black hole that could swallow the planet'. Although her otherwise brilliant and well-researched article does not provide precise details of how this could happen, Michael Hanlon explains for us that 'The fabric of the planet itself would start to disappear, trillions of tonnes of rock, water, air and life sucked into a whirlpool of unimaginable force.'

But the vivid and terrifying description is not enough to persuade the lunatic scientists from turning on 'Death Star III' shortly before lunch-time on the 10th of September, a date that will go down in history as The Last Day in History.

James Gillies, spokesman for the League of Evil's Scientific Megadeath divison (CERN), said facetiously: 'The Large Hadron Collider will not be producing anything that does not happen routinely in nature due to cosmic rays. If they were dangerous we would know about it already.' It is thought that his lies are due to exposure to dangerous quasi atomic hyper rays given off by the experiment, which, it is postulated, have the power to turn a perfectly normal man's mind from good to the purest evil, making the victim want nothing less than the destruction of humanity as we know it. Tez, from Manchester, expressed his concerns, saying: 'How dare these people take a risk with everyones life just for the sake of science, I say no to the generator'

Mail Journalist Owns Quail Journalist Shocker

Bastion of truth, The Daily Mail, has published an article about George Steiner's comments on race and intolerance that one liberal 'weblogger' found too difficult to criticise in his usual manner.

The left-wing online website writer, who may or may not be a communist, was left 'reeling' after reading the article, written by Max Hastings. His usual ill-informed and misdirected rantings were forced to be suspended after the Man from The Mail (metaphorically) picked him up, twirled him around and drop-kicked him into a searing pit of left-wing sewage, before shouting 'Satirise this, bastard!' into his smug over-sized liberal ear. The blogger's reaction to these events are recorded on this html internet site: http://procrastobog.blogspot.com/2008/09/george-steiner-is-difficult-to-satire.html

The Telegraph, however, was not quite as successful in rising above the 'blogger's' usual criticism, being called 'vile and mind-buggeringly stupid' over its coverage of the same subject.