Shock study finds pornography is rude

Explicit depictions of women and, revoltingly, men in various states of undress are being widely circulated across the world thanks to the worrying power of modern technology to display pictures, sound and even moving images, or 'movies', a shock study has revealed.

Experts have warned that children as young as zero are at risk of stumbling across the so-called 'pornography', which is freely available on a number of satellite television channels for as little as £16 per month, plus £15 activation fee. Side effects of pornography consumption include hairy palms and blindness.

As part of special investigation into the seedy world of 'porn', Bafta award-winning documentary maker and fearless investigator of smut Olivia Lichtenstein was appalled to find nearly 100 X-rated television channels hidden on her Sky satellite TV system after selecting the ambiguous ADULT option on the main menu.

She was shocked to discover how readily available the mountain of filth was; after telephoning Playboy TV to arrange a subscription, waiting on hold, passing the phone to her husband for him to confirm the purchase as the account was in his name, selecting her package, paying the registration fee, setting up a direct debit, passing a security check, waiting an hour for the service to be activated, and then entering the correct parental control PIN into her Sky box, Olivia was being bombarded by insalubrious images of women exposing flesh above the ankle and shamefully hatless men.

Insconsed in the vulgar menagerie of erotica, she happened across such vile displays as women kissing other women, twisted perversions like 'Girls in Uniform', and even a show dedicated to 'MILFs', or 'Mothers I'd Like to [make] Friends [with]'.

Elsewhere, trailers offered sound bites from presumably half-naked women too unseemly to publish on a family website. With depraved grammatical inaccuracy, one breathed: 'Hi, my name's Verity from Birmingham. I like clits, I like sex toys.'

Sickened, Olivia only managed to sit through another two hours of the grotesque carnival of flesh, and after tiring of the lack of male nudity, switched back to Songs of Praise, cursing her choice of female-orientated pornography.

'In short, what I saw were unlovely people doing unlovely things', concluded the award-winning writer.

Unknown relationship counsellor Chris Diggins warned that pornography can lead to harmful, sexually addictive behaviour that isolates individuals and that men who use it run the risk of becoming addicted to high intensity pleasure, losing the ability to enjoy more depressing past-times such as making love to their wives or washing up.

Lichtenstein added scientifically that: 'I don't know whether this is true, but I'm certain that this mindless filth tarnishes the way in which men perceive women.'

Unfettered by the need for actual facts or supporting evidence, she went on to warn of the possible long-term dangers of porn - 'The problem with pornography, of course, is that degrading acts will soon not be degrading enough. The user has constantly to raise the stakes in order to derive the same thrill. It's no wonder that this kind of porn has been compared to crack cocaine [by me].'

A spokesman for a leading think tank that stands against This Type of Thing said: 'The modern phenomenon of pornography is outrageous. Who needs it anyway, when you've got pictures of topless Hollywood actresses, half naked teens and upskirt shots for free on The Mail's website? It's political correctness gone mad.'

Council worker suspended for being Christian

A mild mannered council worker has been suspended by shadowy council bureaucrats for innocently suggesting that a terminally ill woman facing eviction from her home should go away and 'put her faith in God'.

Duke Amachree was so concerned about the woman, who had been told by doctors that she was suffering from an incurable bowel condition shortly before visiting Wandsworth Council's officesto discuss a housing problem, that he suggested turning to Yahweh instead of trying to resolve her pointless earthly problems like where to sleep at night or how to pay her council tax.

Inexplicably, the woman reacted thanklessly and complained to Amachree's superiors as soon as she got home - even though, Amachree says, she didn't seem at all angry at the time.

He told The Sunday Torygraph: 'It was out of compassion that I said to her: "Sometimes the doctors don't have all the answers".

Shortly afterwards, Amachree - a father of two - was handed an overly wordy, jargon filled two-page letter by faceless council housing officials telling him he was being suspended following a complaint from the godless woman.

He was told he should not have raised the issue of religion at work - probably for fear of offending ethnic minorities and gypsies. Heretical colleagues suggested that Amachree had been previously warned by his militantly atheist bosses not to raise his religious beliefs with members of the public, and that he had 'launched into an aggresive religious rant when dealing with the woman.

Having now been out of work for over two weeks, the dedicated Christian says he is 'very worried' about his future in his position as homelessness prevention officer with the council he has worked for for over 18 years.

Sources say the woman is still dying. It is unclear whether or not she has put her faith in God yet.

UK women politicians not up to scratch, says bookish nerd

Achingly unfunny Daily Mail sketch-writer Quentin 'Wiener' Letts has found himself in hot water with butch feminist PC bigadiers over a light-hearted article suggesting that British women politicians are letting themselves down by wearing trousers and spending too little time applying make-up before leaving the house.

Letts, described by some as 'toad like in appearance', acknowledged that his 'comedic' take on the list of the worlds 50 sexiest female politicians could land him in 'terrible trouble with Harriet Harman and her sisterhood' for comparing a variety of sparkle eyed political hotties from around the globe with Westminster's plain Janes.

The column featured photographs of Lett's personal choice of the thirteen most attractive 'politic chicks', who may or may not know what The Maastricht treaty is but would certainly brighten up the drab offices of any state government.

Sensationally, Italy's stunning Minister for Equal Opportunities Mara Carfagna even showed off that most elusive of beauties, the Side Boob - although, tragically, her nipple appeared to have been airbrushed out by liberal do-gooders. An insider said: 'Pwoar! I'd let her equal MY opportunities!'

French Minister for Overseas Territories, Christine Kelly, managed to look radiant in a white bikini despite being a bit over the hill at 39, while Spanish anti-corruption campaigner Cayetana Alvarez, was included on the list at number 10 despite not actually being a politician.

The titillating shots, which were unfortunately published without any copyright attribution - possibly because they were all found by the work experience boy at Northcliffe House one-handedly using Google image search, leave Britain embarrassed at scoring a shameful nul points as the government attempts to reach out to attractive young people to discourage the increasing problem of voter apathy amongst nubile under thirties.

Mr Letts, described in some circles as 'a misogynistic geek with a profound fear of women that manifests itself on occasion as snide chauvanism', blamed Britain's poor showing on the fact that 'many Westminster women...have drunk deep at the feminist well' and try hard to 'be the opposite of sassy' for fear of undermining their credibility.

Pointing out that Harriet Harman 'is always turned out smartly' and looked 'V. butch' in a dowdy pin-stripe jacket as she hosted Prime Minsiter's Questions last week, Letts concluded that although Britain's female politicians are mostly quite ugly, 'the quality of their debate may be superior' - presumably because of the proven scientific link between attractiveness and stupidity.

It is unclear why Right-wing pin-up Nadine Dorries was not included on the list.

Political correctness prevents psychiatrists curing gays

As many as five out of six psychiatrists are being prevented from curing homosexuals of their deviancy by the New Labour nanny state, it has emerged.

A survey carried out by researchers at University College Hospital in London fround that only 17 per cent - or three in twenty four - mental health experts felt able to treat gays and lesbians for their unnatural sexual orientation, as many fear a militant baclash from politically correct liberal zealots who believe that homosexuals are 'normal' and 'healthy' just like real people.

Commenting on the increasing body of evidence that homosexuality can damage sufferers' careers and make couples incapable of caring for children, Professor Michael King, who led the study, said: 'It is distressing and harmful-and there is absolutely no evidence it works'.

In the past, scientists have attempted to cure people of their gayness using aversion therapy, whereby deviants were given electric shocks to the genitals as images of naked men were displayed.

Another technique was to encourage them to masturbate, using sick pornographic images of men, before switching the filth to pleasant imagery of the appropriate sexuality at the point of orgasm.

But queerness is highly difficult to eradicate and those who attempt to help sufferers overcome their disease often face accusations of 'discrimination' against them, discouraging research into finding a vaccine or preventative therapies.

But BNP supporting, hideous website owning councillor Chris Cooke suggested that, in fact, switching sexual orientation is actually very easy and questioned why only one in six psychiatrists are helping homosexuals fight their rainbow coloured demons:

Another woman cries rape; Man's reputation ruined

Cuh. Women.

Tony from London said insightfully:


237 people agreed that Britain is indeed at risk of falling under the control of extremist right-wing Muslim feminazis who spend all their time asking for it before dragging their unsuspecting victims through the courts in the hope of receiving multi-million pound payouts. 112 fellow commenters also voiced their fury that a sex-crazed female man eating lawyer was able to bring the case to court in the first place.

Six months ago, a victim of an attempted rape wrote an article for The Daily Mail about the issue of rape victims receiving lower compensation payments if found to have been drunk when the crime was committed. The highly personal account of her experience, during which she was picked up and physically thrown down a flight of stairs because she resisted her attacker, concluded that 'there's a world of difference between being incapable and being culpable.'

The 'debate' received zero comments.

Whites now only account for 0.2% of England's population

Immigrants now outnumber people with the surname Smith, according to disturbing figures released today.

Research by credit agency Experian also found that, frighteningly, a massive 0.12% of people living in England are named Hussein, possibly in reverence to notorious Iraqi dictator Saddam or unpopular American socialist Barack.

The analysis of British surnames revealed that while the number of acceptable names like Brown, Jones and Johnson thankfully remained broadly stable over the last twelve years, scary, action-movie baddie names like Zhang have seen stratospheric increases of up to 4,718%.

Experts estimate that as many as 47 Zhangs might now be living in Britain, taking our jobs in oriental restaurants.

The findings will fuel concerns that there are more foreign people here than there used to be, and that house prices may fall yet further as an indirect result.

Other 'names' appearing in the top 10,000 list include Wang, Ncube and Begum.

Professor Richard Webber, who led the research, said that the number of immigrants could be even higher than first thought, as thousands of people who believe themselves to be British could in fact be descended from foreign invaders.

Those with surname endings such as 'thorpe,' 'ing,' and 'by,' are more probably related to historical migrants such as the Vikings, Danes and Angles who came over here hundreds of years ago and took our nuns.

The Death of Capitalism

As any employee of any company based in the city can attest, trudging to work under the bleak stare of early morning, then home again eight hours later with the malevolent frown of dusk upon one's back, are the two most godless times of any day.

Walking in measured steps up the stairs to the railway station, waiting passively as the escalator conveys herds of fellow grey faced humans down into the underbelly of the city to be processed once again, whisked into the cancerous, slowly beating heart of commerce that is London, Manchester, Newcastle, Liverpool, any one of Britain's metropoli, is a constant death from which there is no escape.

'Nam Sibyllam quidem Cumis ego ipse oculis meis vidi in ampulla pendere, et cum illi pueri dicerent: Sibylla ti theleis; respondebat illa: apothanein thelo', you hear another nearby whisper under his breath, head down, scratching incessantly at his throat, staring fixedly at his shoes. 'I'm sorry?', say you, but there comes no reply. How could there be in this place? There is nothing left to say.

Such is the pitiful ambition of a generation brought up to dream of nothing but homogeny and conformity under two dreadful terms of New Labour, as Blair and Brown guide us all to an acrid terminus of despair, with nothing left to hope for but the continued prosperity of the real father, The State.

These crowds of little people, scurrying to absurd, pathetically paid jobs is the dream of the Marxist. Everyone walks the same, afraid to take the narrow path away from what has been so forcibly jammed into the hive mind of Britain's populus over the past eight years.

We live in a fragmented society where politically correct ­institutions deride Christianity, marriage and the search for knowledge, that we may cease to think for ourselves and admire only the men of Whitehall, the dark machinery that drives our nation ever further through the gates of socialist hell, down, into the abyss.

These were the pillars of our civilisation but the corrupt ooze that governs Britain today has ripped them away like a jackall tearing at the jugular of unsuspecting prey, putting in their place mass ignorance, welfare dependency, worship of the State and the dogma of ­cul­tural diversity.

We forget who we are, for we are told too often what we should be; dictats from above order an end to jovial office banter for fear of offending those who should be thanking us for allowing them to live upon our once hallowed turf, townhall snoopers, faces obfuscated behind veils of the officious desire to quash even the slightest hint of disobedience, force us to abide by the inane laws of liberal councils for no reason other than to exercise the power of oppression.

This is the way Britain ends. A turgid singularity of adherance to the rules, families left destitute by spiralling taxes that benefit only the socialists at the top, paying for their new tools with which they monitor every second of our lives.

But then, once in a while, a bright light appears offering hope that we are still individuals, that we can make millions of pounds from becoming famous, and it is possible, still, to rise above the State and say: 'No. I will do it my way. Nobody can force me to recycle my waste and accommodate foreigners.'

Such beings, symbols of hope and inspiration, grow stronger in the face of adversity heaped against them by a government devoid of any morals or respect for the traditions of our forefathers. Through tormented childhoods held hostage by the tyrannies of drink and drugs, thrust upon them by an irresponsible ruling party, these luminaries become stronger and stronger, finding salvation in Christianity precisely because of the vacuum of faith that tainted their formative years (thanks to the government's interminable onslaught on religion).

They find strength in another institution so continuously mocked by left-wing, anti-family campaigners - the unbreakable chains of marriage. In spite of the best efforts of the State, we watch in wonder as these princes and princesses of the 21st century exchange their vows and go on to bring up families that radiate hope and peace on all who know them through glossy magazines and telephoto lenses.

Often these angels of the modern world might be what some snide elitist liberals would label 'thick', but their ignorance only serves to indict a State system which, despite the money lavished on it by highly paid ministers and European bureaucrats, has presided over a chronic slide in standards. Lack of vocabulary or geography skills are the sad side-effect of ineffective leadership, but such abstractions can never shackle these bright lights.

These hopeful flames remind the miserable proletariat of the possibility of glory and the immutability of ambition. These are the walking embodiment of the wonderous system of capitalism, testament to our great country's belief that absolutely anyone can become famous and make millions of pounds without posessing even the slightest hint of discernable talent or virtue.

A world without such role models would be a world succumbed to the horror of socialism; the Marxists might rub their hands with glee at the prospect of a third Labour term, but as long as there are celebrities to show us the way, the people can resist.

But the flame that burns twice as brightly only burns for less time than the smaller one which burns small but for more long, the one that lasts for ages but nobody cares because it's more dull and not as cool, not literally though because flames are hot. And with its passing dies one of the last great bastions against the omnipresent threat of communism, one of the few symbols of ambition, and possibility, and rebellion against the turgid conformity wished upon us by the Marxists.

These are dark times. But a new flame will be found, and once again the people of Britain will rub their eyes as if emerging from a cave that has imprisoned them for too long, and they will see the light once more.

The liberal elite will be ousted, and a new age of upper middle class prosperity will once again begin, supported by the strength of a million plebs holding those glorious pioneers aloft, all wishing for a better, brighter future unfettered by the dogmas of multiculturalism, climate change and tolerance.

A new shining beacon of capitalism will be born in the viscous womb of reality TV on some bright day in the future, and will live to remind us that life isn't all bad - you too can make it if you abandon all dignity, cast off the shackles of a employment and supplicance to the State.

Outrage as boy aged TWO isn't given an ASBO

"A boy aged two has become the youngest Briton ever to be threatened with an Asbo."

Inspector David Legg of Lancashire Police said: 'A generic letter was sent to four households regarding continued reports of antisocial behaviour causing concern to residents in the area...A letter sent in error was received by a family with a child of two years of age, this was clearly not intended'

But critics were quick to point out that the child's mother has a different surname to her son, and is therefore probably a benefit-scrounging serial child-birther relying on taxpayers' money to feed her trainee yobs and supply them with a never-ending stram of hoodies and tracksuits bearing fake sports labels.

Reports that the 'mother', Miss Hubbard, has spent thousands of pounds of state handouts on a 62" plasma television, like most benefit claimants do, are being investigated.

The TaxPayers' Alliance have called for the apology from Lancashire Police to be rescinded, as the ASBO will almost certainly need to be reissued once the boy is old enough to start swearing at old people and kicking footballs at middle-class families out walking their dogs on a Sunday. Insiders have warned that this could be as early as next Wednesday.

Quail Lite: Google Streetview stops taxpaying Britons committing crimes

"Google today launched a site [sic] showing 360 degree photographs of almost every street in London...Critics say it could be used to plan crimes or expose people involved in illegal activities"

A local criminal said: 'This is outrageous. I suffer from an exceptionally rare condition whereby I am unable to plan crimes unless I use the internet to look at virtual representations of the banks I'm going to rob first. Street View was my only hope for commiting crimes without physically seeing my target or leaving my house.

Now they tell me it will also expose my illegal activities too. What am I supposed to do? Not commit crimes?'

Critics of the Street View service have also demanded that irresponsible multi-national corporations such as Nikon, Canon and Sony immediately put an end to selling products that enable burglars to look at pictures of buildings or cars. It is thought that as many as 100% of criminals have used digital equipment such as computers and televisions in their lives.

Treating immigrants like dirt is OK, says immigrant

Being mean to minorities is now officially acceptable thanks to the heroic actions of one small town postmaster.

Brits everywhere rejoiced today at the news that it is perfectly tolerable to demand that foreigners speak English, learn all the words to the national anthem and wear tweed jackets with leather patches instead of intimidating turbans and beards.

And, no doubt, the PC brigade will be wringing their effeminite, well-moisturised hands at the startling revelation that the man at the centre of the anti-non-integration campaign is himself a foreign immigrant from another country somewhere beyond the sea, possibly in the east where spice mines still account for 100% of GDP and elephants live in castles and keep human butlers.

Although Deva 'Dave' Kumarasiri is not technically British, and neither are his children or their children, he proudly flies a Union Jack outside his house and describes Britain as 'the best country in the world'. Like all British people he drives a Land Rover and is trying to make his two young daughters join the RAF.

So proud is Dave of the fragrant azure pastures of inner-city Nottingham that he is insisting that other foreigners embrace British culture with the same rabidity that he has, warning that immigrant customers at his Post Office must speak only in English or face a permanent ban.

And while some politically correct do-gooders have accused him of inciting division in the community, it doesn't take long to see that Dave's 'intolerant' measures are in fact just driven by passion for the country that selflessly invaded his motherland nearly 200 years ago, saving his and older generations from centuries of pre-colonial barbarism.

'All I'm doing is telling people that if they want to live in Britain, be British', he says, before handing out some useful pointers for fellow migrants: 'Don't boo our soldiers when they come home from Iraq. Don't live your life without embracing our culture. Don't stay here without making any effort to learn the language. And if you don't want to be British, go home.'

One 'British' Muslim said: 'Mistah Kumarasiri, he right. I shouldn't have heckled those soldiers along with the thousands of other Muslims who did too. That's where I've been going wrong. Jesus akbar!'

As Dave describes his policies in his shop, a Polish woman wearing a shabby, sack-like dress shuffles to the counter to presents a £299 benefit cheque to be cashed - probably to fund the eight children she might have. A Pakistani man - reprimanded earlier for not speaking English, smiles pathetically as he struggles with 'please' and 'thank you'. We both glow with pride at their humiliation, and our own superiority.

Despite unfounded accusations from the local liberal elite that it is none of his business forcing people to speak English, and suggestions that he is driven not by patriotism but by arrogance, Dave is reasonable in his crusade: 'I don't expect immigrants to be fluent in English overnight. Lots of people struggle to master another language but they get much more respect if they at least try. I'm not being a racist, just a realist', he says catchily.

Mr Kumarasiri grew up in a village outside the third-world Sri Lankan capital of Colombo and learned English before arriving on our shores.

Although he supports the enforced conversion of foreigners to British customs and culture, and actively tests his own customers to ensure they meet his prerequisite level of Britishness, he describes the New Labour British Citizenship Test that he was forced to endure upon entering Britain as 'pointless and stupid'.

Unsurprisingly, he says that back in his native Sri Lanka, people are still proud to be associated with their former colonial ruler. 'Still we have the pride that Britain left behind. The laws are still there, the schools are still there. The kids have courtesy. They have discipline. Here, all that is gone. Let's bring it back.'

One insider said: 'If this Dave bloke likes Sri Lanka so much and thinks England is such a mess, why doesn't he go live there?'

Mushrooms Cure Cancer

Eating mushrooms every day 'slashes' the risk of breast cancer by two thirds, according to new research by science men.

The findings come after an unrelated study that we can't find a link for revealed that mushrooms mirror the effect of aromatose inhibitors - breast cancer drugs which block production of oestrogen, also known as the 'cancer feeding hormone'.

40,000 British women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year, and the virus will affect one in nine women at some point in their lives. Diet is thought to be a key factor.

Rates of the disease in China - where they eat mushrooms a lot - are four to five tines lower than in some western countries.

'Scientists found women consuming a third of an ounce of fresh mushrooms every day were 64 per cent less likely to develop a tumour', said The Daily Mail.

However, statist New Labour propaganda mouthpiece the BBC irresponsibly attempted to discourage women from getting cancer, claiming that the results merely showed a correlative association between Chinese lifestyles and cancer rates - rather than the truth, that mushrooms destroy cancer cells and can counter-act the harmful effects of poor diet and a lack of exercise.

The dumbed down, badly run, smug, bloated, leftie broadcast corporation said: 'Researcher Min Zhang and colleagues stressed that their study does not prove cause-and-effect.'

They added facetiously: 'Large scientific studies have proven that the best way to reduce your risk of many cancers is to eat a healthy balanced diet.'

Peter Hitchens NOT Writing Exclusively for The Quail Online

I'm not a bad bloke.

I may not be as successful as my brother, but I don't mind. I mean, of course, I'll grudgingly bring it up every time he pens something clever that all those literary types I like to call the 'liberal elite' love so much. I don't mind because I'm quite happy in the knowledge that, really, he wouldn't be nearly as successful if the general population just had the smallest shred of common sense.

It's that wooly minded liberalism at play once again. It dissolves people's critical faculties. Ordinarily it will fade with the passing of the teenage years; those Che Guevara posters will get torn down and revolution will sit gathering dust in the corner of an empty dorm room in the summer holidays, just as the socialist doctrine becomes progressively sillier the older one gets. I mean, who could seriously believe that giving things to poor people (for free) would ever benefit people?

But sometimes it does not disappear, that naive idealism that could never work in any real state, the same ideology that let Stalin murder millions and compelled Marx to fritter away his youthful promise on banal comedy films, just as Krusty the clown squandered his potential talents as a great religious thinker on making people laugh. Chris does so well because he panders to these sad, lonely old students who still believe that they can change the world. It's ok, because my level headedness, my insight, my rationality could never be rewarded in a world as broken as ours. For every criticism I receive, it reaffirms how right I am; no person could honestly attract as much condemnation as I do unless some great liberal conspiracy existed that wished for nothing other than the denigration of true, say-it-and-be-damned, gritty journalism.

You see, even as you have been reading these very words, I have been persuading you to come round to my point of view. You might not even have realised. I've probably even made you agree with me before you actually know what I'm talking about.

That's talent. I wield it like a sabre, and smite those who wish to censor honest, open debate at my size 12 feet.

You're probably already thinking, 'My, doesn't he make a wonderfully compelling argument. It's almost erotic.' And you're right. I do. The reason I'm quite so engaging and persuasive is because of my measured balance and metered rationality. It goes without saying that we all love Littlejohn and his mistress Mel, but let's be honest here - they are pathologically insane. They use truth like artillery, raining down white-hot hellfire upon transfixed readers, their bellicosity reverberating in peoples' ears just as the great Roman orators moved gathered listeners to great acts of patriotism millennia ago.

I am different. I am The Daily Mail's voice of reason. My calm, reasoned arguments embolden me against the slings and arrows of disdain, elevate me above criticism. Indeed, I'm so incredibly humble and yet certain of the inherant, beautiful validity of my polemic that I'll go so far as to write for those I detest the most. I even guest starred on some fudge-packer's weblog after he accused me of homophobia. That is how sure I am of my convictions, and how assured I am of my eloquence - I can win round even the staunchest of sodomisers.

This brilliance with prose and barrister-like ability to grasp any subject matter in its absolute entirety, fully considering both sides of an argument with superhuman levels of insight, is what grants me the wonderful privilege of being able to say things that seem at first just too contraversial for the ordinary writer to even approach. I'll let no politically correct, cotton wool wrapped left-wing sensitivity stand in my way as I say the things everybody thinks but daren't utter. And people will love me for my prowess with the word, for my fearlessness in tackling issues which anyone else wouldn't go near with a great, rigid pole, they will become illuminated by my incredible knack for seeing through the dark glass, reaching into realms where lesser men might be afraid to venture for fear of becoming tangled in complications and controversy.

Not I. The pedestal on which I stand proudly surverying the mire of confusion and knife-crime beneath me, grants me pure, unclouded vision. My unparalleled position empowers to me to say things like

Drunk rape victims deserve everything they get

Yes.

We all know it. It's blindingly, undeniably obvious that women who get drunk are more likely to be raped than women who do not get drunk.

Rape is often a clouded, complex topic; no doubt it is a natural, many would say perfectly healthy, activity but reconciling the molten desire of a man to penetrate a woman without her consent with our modern, 'victim' sensitive culture is difficult. Many men have been sent, misery etched onto their drawn, puzzled faces, to jail for nothing more than the 'crime' of loving too strongly.

Meanwhile, these women, these jezebels, continue drinking, smoking, taking drugs, and wearing clothes so skimpy that no man could resist a quick sideways glance as the suggestive hint of a pert young bottom sashays past him.

It's simple human nature. Obviously, I cannot explicitly condone the wicked, treacherous act, but who could argue that a woman who has so brazenly acquiesced to a furtive late night jaunt back to a lad's flat after a few Bacardi Breezers is anything other than inexcusably stupid. It's that simple.

And yet, only this week, a wave of hysterical unfeminine latter day Pankhursts forced a State agency to reverse a perfectly sensible decision to cut payouts to rape victims who had selfishly allowed themselves to become intoxicated, often with hard drugs as well as alcohol.

Who pays for all of these compensation claims? The cash flows like rivers of black immorality into the white purses of these girls, while the men, made animal by the failures of the state, rot in prison, endlessly awaiting some resolution to their anguish. Instead of offering justice, the state provides a cheque to the accusers.

It is inevitable that we must look on with tired abjection and resign ourselves to the fact that a growing slice of our taxes will be handed over to victims of unsolved rapes, while rape itself increases – the inevitable result of the collapse of sexual morality. The poor boys, scapegoated by a government absurdly out of touch with reality, will wait forever for their payout, their lives ruined by crazed accusations of 'monster', branded 'out of control' simply for seeking to pleasure a woman too inebriated to realise what she really wants.

These victims need to learn the importance of responsibility. Getting drunk is not something that happens to you, it is something you do. And in so doing, you bring it upon yourself. Nobody would drink until they were no longer able to see straight or control their own body, then claim it wasn't their fault when they crashed a car into a young family, killing them in an instant. Our society is based on self-restraint, and to allow women to act so wantonly, without fear of any repercussion, is folly.

All the above is a statement of the blindingly obvious. Yet, in the main forums of public opinion, such views are becoming harder and harder to express because of the unreasoning storm of fury that will follow.

Luckily, I can take it. I know my argument makes sense, and those who oppose me are nothing more than hysterical sensationalists, too afraid to speak their true feelings.

Also, the BBC is to blame for not giving airtime to social and moral conservatives. They're the real rapists.

Muslims demand Sharia law; new flags

A top Muslim judge yesterday revealed a terrifying blueprint for the complete Islamisation of Britain, expected to begin in the next few weeks pending inevitable approval from New Labour's multiculturalism czars.

Speaking in an exclusive interview with The Daily Mail's London edition, Anjem Choudary - who represents the views of all Muslims in Britain - said that the Islamic Sharia law system will replace Britain's current legal institutions and that 'The flag of Allah would fly above 10 Downing Street'.

We're not sure what the flag of Allah looks like, but it's probably quite similar to those flown on pirate ships and is likely to be beard shaped - unlike traditional flags such as the Union Jack, which are rectangular.

Although many of Choudary's proposals may seem perfectly sensible - in judicial matters, one male witness would be sufficient to counter the testimony of two females, and adulterers would face death by stoning - his methods remain completely unacceptable. The vision of a 'pure Islamic state' could only be brought about 'through jihad', the violent practice of eating white British people whole.

The benefit-claiming 41-year old lawyer admitted that he was behind the mass demonstration against returning British soldiers in Luton earlier this week, labelling them as 'butchers' and 'cowards'. While other high-profile 'preachers of hate' find themselves imprisoned or deported, Choudary enjoys freedom in the UK, taking your tax money to fund his lavish lifestyle of jihad, bomb-making and hate preaching.

It is thought that all Muslims, including so-called 'moderates', hold similar views to Choudary and are desperate to see traditional British institutions such as everything that you like destroyed.

Far from simply being a crazed attention seeking wannabe extremist who thinks that the pope should be executed and deliberately courts controversy by making ridiculous public statements about how cool Osama bin Laden is, insiders agree that Choudary is an important figure who almost certainly embodies the beliefs of anyone with a beard and an aversion to pork.

A source close to the London Mail said: 'The most effective method of defeating militant extremism, encouraging integration and inspiring reasonable debate is to allow proponents of terrorism and organisers of misguided and offensive protests to air their views on the front pages of ailing London newspapers.'

The London Mail's new editor said recently: 'this newspaper takes a fundamentally optimistic view of life, of London and Londoners...We believe that the greatest city in the world needs a cheerleader. As recession bites, we also think it needs cheering up.'

Image courtesy of BigDaddyMerk

Littlejohn Stuns Critics By Making Himself His Own Parody

Floridan gay rights campaigner Richard Littlejohn today proved himself resistant to parody and impervious to satire by deliberately penning a column so absurdly ignorant and mindlessly vindictive that Juvenal himself reportedly rose from his 2000 year old grave grave to pronounce: 'Such an indulgently awful and stultifyingly ignorant tract removes itself from the clutches of critics by way of its own banality, joyfully wallowing in abject moral squalor, pandering to the most base intolerances of small-minded, dark-hearted men. How can we mock that which laughs at us for our very act of reading?'

Making light of the case of a 38 year old man - with a beard - who endured three years of racist bullying before being fired for taking time off due to depression, Littlejohn said:

"Frankly, I've never understood why some men think a beard and no moustache is a Good Look. They always appear to have their head on upside-down. But I've never seen a dafter beard than the one sported by PC Javid Iqbal.

It's less a beard, more a privet hedge. If he entered it in a Best-Kept Village competition, he'd win a gold rosette.

It resembles those fake pirate beards we used to cut out of comics. PC Javid is a dead ringer for Captain Pugwash's adversary, Cut-Throat Pete.

I wonder if it's real, or comes off with his glasses, like one of those Groucho Marx masks. No wonder his colleagues couldn't help poking fun at it. PC Javid says the beard is part of his Islamic religion. But surely a Jeremy Beadle or a Manfred Mann would have done the job just as well.

Needless to say, PC Javid is suing for com-pen-say-shun and claims to be suffering from depression. In case that argument is laughed out of court, he also claims to have been called a 'f***ing Paki', which is usually worth about 50 grand.

If he has genuinely been racially abused, fair enough. But Bedfordshire Police is one of the most 'diversity-sensitive' forces in Britain, especially when it comes to its large Muslim population.

And the official line is that PC Javid was sacked because he was 'not cut out to be a police officer'. Sounds about right.

A garden gnome, maybe, just not a copper. Last time I saw a beard like that it was sitting on a toadstool, holding a fishing rod."

You couldn't make it up.

Now Daily Mail Website uses Kelly Brook in a gold bikini to get hits

For a newspaper so permanently bewildered by the internet, perplexed at the inexplicable appeal of Twitter, terrified of Facebook, and unable to grasp just how Google works, The Daily Mail certainly seems to enjoy a suspiciously well optimised web presence.

While lesser news publications might shy away from stories about celebrities appearing on condom packets, snobbishly deeming them 'inane' and 'barrel-scrapingly puerile', The Mail Online has no such qualms.

Within the first few paragraphs of a hard-hitting investigative report on Kelly Brook's likeness being used by the Chinese to sell prophylactics, the words 'sex', 'bikini', 'body', 'David Beckham', 'Sean Connery' and 'erectile dysfunction' appeared, suggesting that someone at Northcliffe House - probably hidden away in the basement, shackled to one of the latest Acorn computers - actually knows how the internets work.

Indeed, so full of search-engine friendly optimised keywords is the hypertext home of the tabloid behemoth, that some experts have suggested that The Daily Mail does in fact approve of the internet, despite incessant warnings that it will corrupt your children and rot your reproductive organs.

One insider, who wishes to remain anonymous, even reported seeing left-wing student idol Charlton Brooker making clandestine late night visits to an undercover Daily Mail contact in east-end London, where a bag of ready-optimised keywords was seen being exchanged for a family-sized multi-pack of Cajun Squirrel flavoured Walkers. Brooker is a well-known 'Googlebomber', attracting hundreds of thousands of visitors to his 'weblog' thanks to a wily and subtle use of popular keywords.

A spokesman for The TaxPayer's Alliance said long-windedly: 'We fully endorse The Daily Mail newspaper and its online website in their mission to attract the widest possible audience with the promise of free pictures of Kate Winslet's breasts and Emma Watson wearing a dress. By conditioning web users to associate casual racism, religious intolerance and outright homophobia with delightful pictures of half-naked celebrities, The Mail is providing British people with a valuable brain washing service that might just make Joe Public realise how terrible the world outside www.dailymail.co.uk really is, and just how much taxpayers' money New Labour squanders on politically correct nincompoopery.'

Homosexuality Kills Entire Species

Two thirds of the entire population of blue ducks are facing extinction because of the selfish poovery of male members of their species.

Insiders have slammed the government's liberal approach to homosexuality, blaming increasingly lenient punishments for sodomy and a relaxed attitude to cottaging for the plight of The Blue Duck, or Hymenolaimus malacorhynchos as they are known in ancient Rome - another once magnificent empire that destroyed itself entirely because of its homosexual citizens' penchant for young boys.

Keepers at the Arundel Wetland Centre in West Sussex have reportedly given up trying to force the male ducks upon their solitary female companion after they were observed parading around the enclosure in duck-sized string vests and leather trousers, quacking gay classics such as 'It's Raining Men' and 'I Am What I Am' by Gloria Gaynor.

The three - Ben, Jerry and Cherry the lady duck - are the only remaining members of their species left in the UK, leading to the nightmarish possibility that foreigners may have to be introduced into the population to stave off extinction.

Attempting to make some sense of Ben and Jerry's prediliction for each other and distaste of a normal heterosexual way of life, Centre Warden Paul Stevens explained that Cherry 'is an old girl for a duck' and is probably a bit like the duck equivalent of Donatella Versace.

'In the case of Ben and Jerry it seems that these two were simply not attracted to the female', said a wildlife television presenter who wished to remain anonymous.

Hirstute Muslim Sues Police After Officers Laughed At His Beard

A Muslim police officer with an hilarious - and possibly fake - beard is suing Bedfordshire police force for hurt feelings after colleagues poked fun at his comedy forest of facial fur.

PC Javid Iqbal claims he is the victim of racial and religious discrimination and unfair dismissal, and stands to make up to several millions of pounds if his case is successful - as thousands of white middle-class taxpayers struggle to keep their jobs at a time of worrying uncertainty for British workers.

Iqbal described to an industrial tribunal how, in one supposedly 'offensive' incident, a fellow officer mimicked his accent and pretended to have a beard similar to his, probably because he was envious of it.

Iqbal's case is the latest in a long line of frivolous 'race claims' to brought against Britain's institutionally friendly police forces - in November a Muslim chef sued the Met because he didn't want to cook sausages and bacon, and only a few days earlier Tarique Ghaffur, former Assistant Commissioner of the Met walked away with a £280,000 payout after suffering 'years' of alleged 'racism'.

Top columnist Amanda Plattell described Ghaffur as 'spitting in the face of the country that saved him' for complaining about his treatment.

Iqbal was also called a 'f***ing Paki', forced to walk home from a job after colleagues refused to pick him up, and was the victim of a smear campaign in which eight other officers made a string of unfounded accusations regarding his performance and conduct to senior members of staff.

He was fired after a nine month leave of absence owing to depression as a result of his colleagues bullying.

Bedfordshire Police said he was sacked because 'He was not cut out to be a police officer'.

EU Equality Law Bans Light Hearted Harassment

An outrageous new law proposed by European Union bureaucrats is to ban the popular British past time of 'unwanted conduct related to a particular religion or belief, a particular disability, a particular age, or a particular sexual orientation with the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of a person and of creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment.'

Critics slammed the politically correct scheme as 'stifling freedom of speech and marginalising religion', but added that if it was the BBC being stifled or Islam being marginalised that would be acceptable.

Marmalade campaigner Jonathan Petre described a chilling vision of a future in the grip of the misguided EU law where 'organisations which hang crucifixes on walls could be sued if they upset atheists' and 'charities for the homeless could face legal action if people using their services felt degraded'. Businesses singling out specific groups - such as the disabled - for intimidation and harmless mickey-taking would be similarly censored under the guidelines.

Simon Calvert of the Christian Institute, equally terrified by the bleak prospect of a nation barred from marginalising and harassing minority groups, asked: 'What about Gideon Bibles in hotel bedrooms? Would councils ban nativity scenes from Christmas displays?'

An inside source replied: 'No.'

Kids Gym Banned By Muslims / Homosexual Agenda Upsets Parents

Outraged parents reacted with fury yesterday as a mixed-sex gymnastics club was forced to stop holding classes at a girls school - because Muslim parents complained about innocent young boy members of the group looking at their precious Arabian princesses.

Furious Colin Perry, who runs the Shirley Gymnastics Club, accused the school of cow-towing to political correctness and multiculturalism gone mad. 'It's unbelievable,' he wailed, quaking with outrage, 'There is a group of Muslim parents with Muslim children at the school and they are the ones putting pressure on the headteacher.' He later told The Sun: 'The school’s commitment to multiculturalism has been compromised for fear of offending a minority.'

It is unclear how Perry knew it was the Islams who did it, but sources confirmed that his suspicions sounded 'about right'.

He is now desperately searching for a new home for the club's 250 members - including the 36 boys - which had held classes at Old Palace School, in Croydon, South London, since January last year.

Headteacher Judy Harris had offered Mr Perry an intentionally unworkable compromise when he was first ordered to leave a few weeks ago in December, but the terms - that gym classes could continue if they started after pupils had gone home - were rejected as 'impractical'.

In other news....

Parents who pulled their children out of school in protest at lessons encouraging their children to turn gay fear they will be prosecuted after totalitarian education bosses pledged to take 'action' against them.

Some 30 primary pupils are thought to have been kept home during the week of special brainwashing lessons which included secondary school pupils performing Romeo and Julian, a queerified version of the classic heterosexual Shakespearian love story.

Shadowy council bosses said the protest resulted in 'unauthorised absences' and had 'taken action' against parents who pulled their youngsters out of George Tomlinson School in Leytonstone, east London, but refused to state what sanctions are being taken. Sanctions against truancy can include spot fines, parenting contracts and court action, possibly leading to prison sentences lasting up to 30 years.

The parents, who objected to the lessons on moral and religious grounds, said the content was more appropriate to secondary age pupils.

One shocking R-rated story covered in lessons was 'And Tango Makes Three', an explicit depiction of a homosexual relationship between two male penguins, Roy and Silo, who fall passionately in love at a New York zoo.

Pervez Latif, whose children Saleh, ten, and Abdur-Rahim, nine, attend the school said Muslim parents had objected to the theme linked to Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender History Month: ‘We as parents did not receive any guidance that this was going to happen,’ he said, adding 'I didn’t want my children to be learning about this...I found it difficult to explain topics such as homosexual relationships at such a young age.’

A spokesman for Waltham Forest Council lied: ‘As part of the borough’s policy of promoting tolerance in our schools, children are taught that everyone in our society is of equal value. At George Tomlinson, parents were invited to meet with teachers and governors several weeks ago to discuss what work would be taking place throughout the national LGBT History Month and how this work would be delivered.'

Middle Classes Plan Balmy Summer Revolt

Fears of a searing summer of discontent grew today as 10,752,392.57* middle-class firebrands voiced their intention to take part in protests against 'rising unemployment, failing financial institutions and the downturn in the economy.'


A secret dossier seen by The Quail reveals that the protestors' London march will start at mighty Northcliffe House, home of infinite British justice, and march directly to Fortnum & Mason where necessary demonstration biscuits and conserves will be acquired.

The angry mob, led by a raging James Slack, will then continue to the Square Mile, where slogans such as 'Down with this sort of thing!' and 'What don't we want? Bank bail outs! When don't we not want them? Never!' will be chanted at a moderate volume. Tea will be taken at 3 o'clock.

Demonstrators still able to remember why they were so outraged in the first place will move onto Downing Street where a petition will be handed over demanding increased surveillance of terrorist suspects but a reduction in the number of CCTV cameras and people on the DNA database, less political correctness but a ban on swearing in BBC programming, and fewer benefits for single mothers but increased welfare support for the middle classes.

For those protestors eager to publically vent their outrage but unsure of how to dress appropriately, a guide to the hottest new looks for ladies of the anti-establishment persuasion can be found on this hypertext site.

* Mail Online monthly readership: 22,877,431. 47% of that is 10,752,392.57. See? Totally accurate.

Facebook and Twitter Bully Your Children, Says Newspaper

Facebook and Twitter - but not MySpace - are encouraging online 'cyberbullying', a newspaper claimed today.

According to CyberMentors, a new social networking site set up to allow young victims of bullying to talk to peers about their problems, 50% of 11-18 year olds have been subject to some form of cyberbullying, but 29% had never told anyone about it. As many as 70% of all young people have experienced some form of bullying more generally.

The CyberMentors site, run by support organisation Beatbullying, has won praise from Gordon Brown and Education Secretary Ed Balls, and counts Mozilla, The National Union of Students and The Department for Children, Schools and Families amongst its partners.

But The Daily Mail took issue with Beatbullying's statistics, claiming that the number of young victims of online bullying was actually 17% lower, at one in three.

Describing as-yet undisclosed research, reporter Mark Prigg named Facebook and Twitter as the two biggest progenitors of cyberbullying, despite the fact that neither were named in the CyberMentors press release, other than to highlight Facebook's commitment 'to find new ways of preventing cyberbullying'.

Prigg went on to imagine a terrifying case that may or may not have happened once but might happen in the future maybe, where: 'bullies have even set up Facebook groups allowing dozens of people to band together to abuse schoolmates or colleagues.'

It is thought that Facebook actively encourages normal children to become bullies with competitions to 'Find the meanest jerk' and rewards for those voted 'Most efficient tormentor of Year 7 kids'. Twitter probably does the same somehow.

Readers reacted with world-weary incredulity at the short-sighted attempts to protect children from trivialities like intimidation and torment:

Helen from Cheshire recommended that those misguided enough to believe that bullying was hurtful or in some way unpleasant should grow up:

While warm-hearted J from Sheffield agreed that it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and bullying was an inevitable, and enjoyable, part of Darwinian evolution:


But it was Skitter Brown from Scotland who really hit the nail on the head, suggesting a simple, quick and effective way of remedying all of the modern evils caused by Facebook and Twitter in one fell swoop:

Sources from the internet said: 'I can't quite believe that we'd never thought of that. Let's just turn the whole godless thing off!'

Wine Prevents And Causes Cancer

For millions of middle-class Britons, relaxing in front of The Good Life with a nice glass of English Pinot Noir while the wife does the dishes is the perfect way to unwind after a busy day at the office. And according to new research, it could be just what the doctor ordered.

A study has found that people who enjoy a daily glass of wine more than halved their risk of developing Barrett's Oesophagus, a malignant condition that can lead to throat cancer. Poor person drinks, such as beer and hard spirits, were found to have no beneficial effects, however.

Gastroenterologist Dr Douglas Corley said: 'We already knew red wine was good for the heart, so perhaps here is another added benefit.'

The findings come a week after it was reported that wine increases the risk of developing mouth and throat cancer by 168 per cent.

However, that report was undermined by previous research suggesting that red wine reduced the risk of smokers developing lung cancer by 60%. A study four years beforehand had already established that men who drank red wine were 13% less cancerous than teetotallers.

But this assertion was cast into doubt by an earlier study proving that both wine and beer increased the chance of catching liver and bowel cancer by a fifth.

The news overturned previous research showing that red wine reduced the incidence of bowel cancer by 11%.

Conversely, Daily Mail science editor David Derbyshire revealed last October that wine not only gives you cancer, but Parkinson's disease and heart attacks as well.

Only eleven months earlier, misguided Bacchic revellers had toasted the news that just half a glass of wine a day could prevent cancer.

The party didn't last long - six months on, it emerged that wine increased the risk of breast cancer by 50%. The revelation was re-revealed the following month, putting the risk up by an additional 50%.

But vinophiles weren't worried, as a previous article had described how red wine had anticarcinogenic properties and could shrink tumours. Combined with the powerful cancer crushing properties of wine, berry and rice pills, drinkers were confident of continued good health.

However, men were warned last year that while they might be safe from breast cancer, they were likely to be left withered and emasculated by drinking red wine or beer and eating nuts.

And there was no escape for those hopeless drunks who, too terrified to drink a traditional ale or box of cheap wine, turned to mouthwash - that kills you too.

Finally, the restorative effects of wine were confirmed when research found that back pain could be cured by a pleasant glass of Cabernet, while fat people were overjoyed that a red wine pill could let them eat all the burgers they could ever wish for without gaining a pound.

One local man said: 'I just don't know what's safe to eat or drink any more. If I drink wine, I'll get cancer. If I don't, I'll get cancer. I might just stop eating and drinking anything at all.'

Ethnics To Benefit From Economic Misery

Ethnic minorities - including gypseys, intimidating black hooded youths and Chinese tourists - will receive more money during the recession than anyone else, it emerged today.

The Government pledged extra help to those 'most at risk' from the economic downturn to ensure they do not become 'left behind' better people. Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell announced a review of the labour market by the bloated and politically correct Equality and Human Rights Commission to try and find evidence that brown people need more money than white middle-class taxpayers with families.

It is possible that the review will recommend that traditional British families should begin sending envelopes full of cash and jewellery directly to immigrant neighbours regardless of how poor they are - and even hand over the keys to their cars just so they can get to local tribal ceremonies.

Gaffe-prone, benefit loving Purnell, announcing the scheme in a speech to Labour's multicultural Black Asian and Minority Ethnic annual meeting yesterday, made a snide jab at the massively popular and successful Tory government of the early nineties, sneering: 'In the past too many were left behind in bad times. Ethnic minority workers suffered most in the Tory recessions.' He went on to call Margaret Thatcher 'a bit rough' and labelled John Major 'a nerd', according to one local drunk.

The plan drew furious criticism from Conservative MPs, who warned that it would give dangerous potential terrorists the means to build weapons of minor destruction. Philip Davies, MP for somewhere called Shipley, criticised Purnell for talking to non-white folk, saying: 'This is simply outrageous...the sort of thing that gives politics a bad name - ministers talking to different groups and telling them what they want to hear. It drives me to distraction.'

The Taxpayer's Alliance insta-quote machine, making a welcome return after blowing a gasket three months ago over Alistair Darling's super-tax plan, said: 'Bleep bleep! Outrage algorithm initialising....zzzzzt...Lots of people are suffering hard times in the recession. Buzzzz-doop....The last thing they need is for the Government to play politics with different ethnic minority and gender groups...END OF TRANSMISSION blap.'

A spokesman for the Equality and Human Rights Commission said sanctimoniously: 'This recession has had a terrible impact for hundreds of thousands of people who have lost their job or are under threat - men and women, the old and young, white, black or Asian, students struggling to find a job, disabled people. We want to understand the patterns that are already starting to emerge.'

But shadow work and pensions secretary Theresa May said: 'This is typical of Labour's dithering response to the recession. Pffft! Patterns and understanding? Yeah we'll just look at some numbers and sit around and understand each other and it will all be ok. Ha!'