Immigrants cost us £450bn

Immigrants living here cost British taxpayers £1m each, a shocking new report has revealed.

And brown ones cost even more, probably.

The enormous sum reflects the cost of benefits, tax breaks and free school meals that immigrants love so much, provided over the lifetime of the average feckless foreigner who sits at home all day, claims child support and robs your house at weekends.

The revelation comes as thousands of misguided churchgoers, Stalinist trade unionists and tye-dye wearing charity workers today prepared to rally in London in support of an ‘earned amnesty’ for 450,000 foreigners.

Campaign group Migrationwatch, who calculated the amount by pressing random buttons on a calculator, multiplying the answer by Pi then adding it to the number of people in Mexico suffering from swine flu, said: 'The numbers are truly enormous, adding an unacceptable – and entirely unnecessary - burden to the nation’s balance sheet'.

Original Migrationwatch estimates had been based on a family of four living in rented accommodation, with two parents over the age of 25 both claiming income support, council tax and housing benefit, earning the minimum wage for the entirety of their lives because that's all immigrants are worth. The estimates also took into account retirement at 65 and living for a further 15 pointless years claiming Pension Credits and free travel cards.

But the figures were so wildly unrealistic that senior Migrationwatch bean counters recommended using the 'picking numbers at random' mathematical approach instead.

Migrationwatch chairman Sir Andrew Green acknowledged that a gigantic degree of guesswork had been used to arrive at the final number: 'Some of these immigrants will already be married, or will not marry, and some will work above the minimum wage so that their Housing Benefit will be lower, some may have families of more than two children, thereby attracting more Child Benefit and Child Tax Credits...to be honest, who fucking knows? £1million is a nice round number so let's go with that.'

A source at the Daily Mail said: 'I don't really care about the details. Nobody reads this paper for 'numbers' do they? The important thing to remember is that foreign people are bad.'

Miliband prepares to ban Christmas

Unable to contain his Cromwellian excitement at the prospect of banning Christmas this year, David Miliband has already ordered 'Foreign Office mandarins' to begin planning the cancellation of Britain's favourite festival - possibly to replace it with Eid or some other oriental pagan heresy.

The review of state endorsed religious celebrations comes after it emerged that Miliband sent out Ramadan and Rosh Hashanah messages to Embassy staff around the world, but neglected to prepare one for Christmas Day or Easter. He also hates St George's Day.

It is thought that Miliband, who once openly admitted that he doesn't believe in God or Santa Claus, issued the dictat 'to avoid upsetting different faiths and nationalities' like bearded Muslim jihadists and Scientologists. A local man said: 'What about my rights? He'll execute the tooth fairy next, and give all the teeth to those Talibans'.

The news comes a full seven months before Christmas, the earliest recorded banning of the Christian festival since history began when Jesus made the Earth in 1,500 BC.

Last year, Christmas survived until mid September, when it was outlawed by Yorkshire for fear of making Sikhs cry or something.

Paul Dacre hospitalised after gigantic ejaculation

Concerns for the well being of Daily Mail editor Paul 'Mr Burns' Dacre were mounting today after the ferrite fisted news dictator suffered an exhausting three hour ejaculation that left him 'withered like a prune', according to one onlooker.

Doctors said the 61 year old media mogul, who insists on being called 'Lord High Commander Paulinus' by friends and colleagues, was 'stable' having lost several internal organs during the marathon eruption of man juice.

Fortunately, Dacre, who earns £1.2m a year from telling people how dangerous Britain is and that foreigners will kill you, had previously undergone surgery to equip him with an extra heart, two additional lungs, four spleens and an industrial sized bile duct, as well as several kidneys harvested from junior Mail journalists as punishment for not adhering strictly enough to their master's 'libertarian-authoritarian' realpolitik.

Insiders said that Dacre was so concerned about the risk of developing cancer from everything in the world he was willing to spend millions on 'backup' organs every year.

Describing the scene as Dacre began his epic jizzathon, the source added: 'It happened late last night, after the subs had been in to see him with new pieces on Maddy, swine flu and Baby P. There was an almighty rumbling sound like thunder and suddenly he was being propelled around his office by this giant stream of...well, you know.

I think it was the mixture of panic, outrage, fear and the prospect of going to France for just a quid that tipped him over the edge. He looked angry, excited and strangely hopeful, if that's possible - the combination of those three leaders together on the front page must have been too much, and I don't think having Myleene Klass on page three helped either. '

Dacre's wife, known only as Mrs. D., was reported to be upset at the incident, telling friends: 'I don't know why he's unable to get that excited with me.'

The Daily Mail: Champion of immigrants' rights

In a surprising U-Turn, The Daily Mail today branded recent Government anti-immigration measures 'Treacherous' for preventing an influx 4,000 Nepalese immigrants the right to live in Britain.

Despite a long running campaign to highlight the horrors of foreign people coming over here, the traditionally isolationist tabloid news magazine branded new restrictive criteria for granting Gurkhas British citizenship 'a moral outrage'. Immigration minister Phil Woolas had claimed that the new rules would allow an extra 4,300 members of the Himalyan 'martial race' to settle here, but campaigners estimate that the true figure would be closer to 100 due to overly stringent selection criteria.

A spokesman for The Mail said: 'While immigrants are undoubtedly A Bad Thing, these ones are acceptable because they've stood alongside our boys and shot foreigners, which is good. It may seem contradictory of us to campaign for an overly severe cap on immigration while simultaneously declaring some immigrants should be allowed in but, in fact, it is not.'

RICHLITTLE: The answer is simple

Awight?

Apologies for not posting anything for a while, I've been busy buzzing round the Everglades out the back of the ol' maison on my spanking new airboat ain't I?

Well, that and these weblog things are fucking shit. Don't pay enough, no sirree, not like the mountainous wage I receive from my old mate Dacre. That's where the money's at, nyoos-papahs, and don't tell let anyone tell you it's not. Keeps me comfy anyway. I just laugh at all those other 'real' journalists losing their jobs as their liberal rags shut down. Ha! You don't get ahead for talking sense you muppets!

So, anyway, thought I'd write a bit about those fucking Talibans that got caught bang to rights for plotting a very big terrorist attack on shopping centres or football grounds or whatever in Manchester. I wrote some shit about that Darling bloke and his wife having breakfast too, like, where I made up some stuff they might have said - it seemed funny at the time (I was pissed) but actually, looking back at it, it was pretty shit and didn't even make sense, so I won't go into that now. Even Hitchens said it was bollocks, and when he tells you something's crap, it must be crap! He knows shit writing, that guy. Oh well, what do I care? All about the dollar innit? So long as I get paid, who gives a flying pisspot!

Yeah so these terrorists wanting to blow up landmarks in Manchester. Football grounds for heaven's sake! I ask you, what kind of sick bastard wants to blow up Old Trafford? Bloody Islams, they hate everything we love, they do. They just can't wait to see the look on the faces of those poor little kiddies, turning up on a Saturday with pops to see the match, they can't wait to see them cry when daddy has to say, 'Sorry Timmy, there won't be a game today because the stadium's been blown to smithereens by those fucking Afghanis, or Pakistanis, or wherever their from, it doesn't matter, they're all the same, bloody terrorist states, you know the ones, like Iraq and that other one, Iran, and all the rest of them'. They'd poison all the tea in Eng-er-land if they had half the chance.

Sickos. They love it. They love to see pain on our faces, because they hate us. That's the point of Islam - did you know what Islam means? It means 'Kill the West', or something like that, that's what I heard.

So these twelve, right, they got caught bang to rights they did, with their beards and Korans or whatever it's called and their sacred cows. The evidence couldn't have been more against them: there they were, foreigners, in Manchester, all living in the same house, come over here to study supposedly. Yeah, alright, pull the other one - who in their right mind comes all the way over here to study in Manchester? 'Students', indeed. I never heard such rubbish. The only possible reason for brown people being in Manchester is to blow us to Kingdom come, and just because the coppers didn't find any 'evidence' it doesn't mean they weren't planning on it.

You can never tell what's going through these fanatics' minds. So there wasn't any bomb making equipment - well there would have been if they'd had half a chance, I'll wager. Oh yes, mark my words. They probably knew the plod was about to knock at the door and swallowed it or something, or flushed it down the pan. They're clever these extremists, they can tell if they're being watched. Like owls, they are, they can sense it: no doubt some surveillance operative hired by that idiot Brown coughed too loudly and blew the game, yeah, that was probably it, and I bet that Jack Straw blew it too, twat, he probably sent them a letter advising them of an impending 'top secret operation'. Is Jack Straw still home secretary? Only I don't tend to follow British politics too closely any more, what with Obama skanking my country up over here, knob, bloody liberal. Not that I'm not British, I'm more British than you, you wanker. See, I said wanker, only a limey would say that. Fucking limeys.

But now though, now we hear that all twelve of them have got off without so much as a slap on the wrists, without so much as being sent over to Git'mo. Nope, instead they've been handed over into the softly-softly care of the Imm-uh-gray-shun services where, no doubt, they'll enjoy four square meals a day, Sky TV with all the sports channels and a key to the city of Manchester. And who'll be paying for all this care? Yep, muggins the British taxpayer of course, hardworking people like you and me, well not me of course, I don't pay tax because I live over here and keep my savings in Jersey, but you know what I mean, they'll be living the life of Riley at your expense, planning their next atrocity from the comfort of some public funded safe house somewhere protected from harm behind all the luxuries you can't afford.

No surprise then that these rat-bastards are appealing efforts to deport them. Can't blame them can you, if you were given free housing, multi-channel TV and your choice of dessert (I'll have the banoffee please guv) you'd want to stay too. I know I would, well I wouldn't because I earn more than that, but the fact remains it's a pretty good living just for being a terrorist innit. That's all our, well your, benefit system's good for: giving a free ride to those who hate you, us, the most. I can't hardly decide what I hate most, those fucking extremist scumlickers or the 'welfare' state that rewards them for it. Easy isn't it? All you have to do to live in comfort for the rest of your life is get arrested at gunpoint by jacked-up security officers who don't have a scrap of evidence against you, say you're not a terrorists but 'oh you're hurting my yooman rights innit it's not fair' and you're golden. Sorted.

These poor kids, twelve bright eyed young things over here for nothing more than to further their education and make a new start in Britain and these heavy handed police state Stasi oafs break down the door and accuse you of being a fanatic, even though they can't prove a bloody thing. It's bureaucracy gone mad it is, you know what I reckon, I reckon it was all just a big cover up for those Nazi coppers in London who knocked over that poor boy Tomlinson. Convenient isn't it, 'Shit sarge, I think I just killed this bloke, what do I do', 'Don't worry son, we'll cover it up by arresting some innocent kids in Manchester and everybody'll forget', you can just imagine it can't you.

That's what it is, it's Big Brother Britain just like that writer said it would happen, you couldn't make it up, twelve students arrested for nothing more than taking a couple of holiday snaps in their new country and bam! jack booted riot police hammering at the door to take them away under the fucking 'Terrorism Act', whatever that is.

Well, just so long as they don't get sent over here. They want to stay in Britain, the little bastards, we've got enough of them over here. Brown should stand up for what everybody wants for once and throw them in Broadmoor and chuck away the key, let them rot, the democracy hating shits. They want deporting, simple as. If they hate us - you- so much, why don't they fuck off back home where they can blow up what they want? Why stay here if they oppose everything we believe in, oh yeah of course, they want to stay for the benefits, so they can afford to buy bombs and stuff so they can blow us all to high heaven.

It'll cost us millions in legal fees to deport them, mark my words, the best thing to do would be just keep them here under 24 hour watch, put them in solitary, see how they like that. But our immigration system is so far up shit creek it'll never happen, they'll stay here for years on end I bet, scrounging off the state, I'll tell you what they should do, McBroon should just have done with them and send them packing back to Somalia or whatever, bloody pirates, in this day and age, I ask you. Isn't it?

But of course, it won't happen. I'm willing to put money on them still being here in ten years time just like those Afghan hijackers - what do you mean what Afghan hijackers? The fucking hijackers, y'know the ones, that shoebomber - yeah, they'll be here just like them, those Russian hitmen, living over here in a nice semi in Berkshire paid for by the council no doubt, living off benefits, working in Tesco putting anthrax in your Cheerios, the bastards, those power mad police officers nicking anyone they want accusing them of 'terrorist this' and 'fanatic that' without even the merest scrap of evidence or motive just because they took some photos, shitting police state 'elf'n'safety Nazis that's what they are, you can't even go outside to take some photos of the shopping centre without them coming down on you like a pile of bricks putting away perfectly innocent students for exploding Old Trafford, the psychopaths, it's like living in Afghanistan.

Madness. Britain's gone to the dogs, and it's all because of those bleedin' climate change crusties.

Mind how you go.

Racist idiot says stupid racist things shocker; news outlets willingly repeat Griffin's guff

Jowly, slack-eyed, pie-faced hatevangelist Nick Griffin was today given a platform in two of Britain's biggest news outlets to explain the intricacies of his immigration policy and clarify his assertion that brown people are icky.

BBC news, which obtained a leaked copy of the Ban Negros Party's 'Language and Concepts Discipline Manual', ran a prominent story headlined 'BNP leader defends policy on race', giving Griffin invaluable media space in which to present his case that black and Asian people are 'racial foreigners' guilty of 'bloodless genocide'.

The Beeb added helpfully: 'The manual describes the BNP's "ultimate aim" as the "lawful, humane and voluntary repatriation of the resident foreigners of the UK"'.

A reader said: 'Well that seems fair. I assume it means illegals, and so long as it's lawful and voluntary, what's the problem?'

Fortunately, more embarrassing sections of the manual that might make BNP members look like knuckle-dragging wannabe stormtroopers were left out of the BBC's coverage - the booklet also contains instructions to hide 'naked torsos in summer, unshaven scruffs or skinhead haircuts (put them in caps or hats)'.

One passage reminds members to always use the party's full name because 'the initials BNP have to an extent been turned into a demonised tag by the media..."British National party" sounds more reasonable and comfortable.”'

The Daily Mail followed this advice, altering the BBC's article to exclude the demonic initials from an otherwise copy and pasted first paragraph. 'British National Party chairman Nick Griffin spoke today of a 'bloodless genocide', it read, which sounds much nicer.

Both articles focused on the fact that Griffin had been forced to defend his comments, presumably from faceless politically correct liberals intent on twisting his words into vile, hate-filled racist propaganda.

A commenter said:

Like The Mail, several pro-BNP blogs regurgitated the original BBC piece unaltered, deeming it to be a rather splendid summary of their glorious leader's watertight rebuttal of absurd lefty criticism.

The articles follow priceless coverage generously donated to the BNP earlier this month by The Sun, which described in celebratory tones how the allegedly 'racist' party is now 'Stronger than ever'.

A source close to the Nick Griffin said: 'Wahey! We'd never be able to afford this kind of national coverage, having just spent all our funds on shiny new jackboots and human rights lawyers.'

Alan 'Howlin' Laud' Hope of the Monster Raving Loony Party said: 'Perhaps I should say something as ridiculous as this Griffin fella to get some media love. Our policies are just as silly and yet they get all the attention; it's just not cricket.'

That Budget: What does it all mean?

Nobody cares about the sphincter looseningly dull annual trudge through reams of impenetrable micro economics that is the budget.

We hardly need reminding of the inevitability that Alistair Darling and his team of joy-crushing bean counters will squeeze the last few pounds from our already thread-bare pockets for daring to enjoy the delights of cigarettes, alcohol and inefficient motor vehicles - the few remaining joys left to a country crippled by state engineered fiscal ruin.

But, unfailingly, the budget does exactly that. Those with any sense, no doubt, spent the day at the pub getting the rounds in while they could still afford to, smoking themselves into a gravel voiced stupor in defiance of the eye-wateringly steep 2% levy on tobacco. At least the smokers will eventually get their money's worth in treatment from that bloated, cash hemorrhaging tumour on the taxpayers' purse that is the National Health Service.

These endless tax hikes on anything remotely fun are a given, which is why nobody cares. But the important thing about the budget is that it provides a splendid chance to whack Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and the entire party of gentry hating apparatchiks with a big stick of feigned outrage and mock horror at the hardly revelatory confirmation that some people might have less money than they did last year.

So what fresh economic hell did comrade Darling unleash on this dark day?

First off, the headline grabbing, pinko pleasing sucker punch to the very people who keep our country afloat: a 10% rise in income tax for the selfless men of industry who run our businesses, spend our money and keep the whole greasy wheel turning that we may be have the privilege of borrowing enough to buy a flat and start a grubby, hopeless family of our own.

Since the pre-budget report a few months ago the goodly rich had already been anticipating a gigantic 5% hike in income tax. Those earning £150,000 and over started pinching the pennies in preparation, selling off yachts, tearfully waving goodbye to Jeeves and washing their Bentleys when they were dirty instead of buying new ones. Sacrifices of simple hard-earned pleasures were demanded at the altar of New Labour's increasingly Bolshevik regime.

In a budget reminiscent of the bleak days of Old Labour, nothing could prepare the responsible super rich for the coffer hammering income tax hike to 50% that weaselly eyed Darling ended up slapping down on them today, which left some pundits 'fizzing' with rage. What happened to Peter Mandelson's encouraging claim that he 'didn't mind people becoming filthy rich under New Labour'?

While ungrateful proles get off scot-free despite life times of never bothering to earn sackloads of money, dancing drunkenly in the streets with only 20% of their incomes handed over to the state, those who made something of themselves, or had the foresight to be born into already wealthy families, sit weeping in the run down cloisters of once majestic townhouses and country mansions.

As Kirsty Walker rightly notes: 'It appeared to look back to the 1970s when chancellor Denis Healy promised to "tax the rich until the pips squeak''. And squeak they will - figures already show how the treasury hits those who earn the most hardest, while the bottom feeders brazenly revel in proportionally lower taxes.

As if this weren't enough, those struggling by on £100,000 will no longer have the freedom of a tax-fee personal allowance - the first time an entire section of the population has been denied a tax break. Ever. Thanks to the boundless greed of commissar Darling, those finding themselves newly bereft of their allowance will now hand over up to £1,500 more every single year than they did before, while the poor are effectively excused of handing over ANYTHING for a few months. No wonder those call centre operatives and middle-aged sales assistants working in Tesco always look so unflinchingly happy.


To add insult to injury, the beneficiaries of these punitive anti-capitalist measures can only be described as corpulent white elephants, gorging tenaciously at the shallow pool of public finances, sucking the nation dry of the last few drops of appropriately targeted expenditure that remain.

Like a man trying vainly to plug a gaping wound in the Hoover dam with a pea, commandant Darling will throw some of the money gained from punishing the rich at Britain's mountainous national debt. This is patently ridiculous.

Our country's debt has now reached levels so catastrophically massive that it is meaningless and should simply be left alone. The figures used to measure debt and borrowing are no so vast that they do not even fit across a double page spread in The Telegraph.

Everyone knows that unwashed dishes eventually clean themselves, and the same is true of the economy; left to its own devices, our financial systems would come to realise how silly they've been and just forget about the recession.

Thus the budget's forecast of debt amounting to 80% of GDP by 2015 is meaningless and misleading; within that time frame the Conservatives will rise to power and save us from the financial quagmire by dithering until the whole thing simply disappears.

Equally ridiculous is the £1bn to be squandered on 'the environment'. An absurd £525million is to be wasted on countryside befouling wind farms over the next two years, while £435million will be set aside for energy efficiency schemes in homes, officers and public buildings. Of course, if the Government's hugely expensive asbestos removal programs hadn't been so hastily implemented in the first place, we wouldn't need to be re insulating buildings now. Such lack of foresight is the real reason for Britain's tanking economy.

And pointlessly, an extra £1.7billion will be poured into the Jobcentre Plus network on top of £1.3billion already announced - providing cushy jobs and trendy 'training placement schemes' for unemployable louts under the age of 25 who have been too lazy to work for the last 12 months. According to Mr Darling, some 250,000 jobs will be created or supported as part of these measures, but the question remains: Why should we go to the trouble and expense of providing these yobs with careers when the most practical solution would be to ship them off to offshore labour camps to work for free? Why do they deserve any sort of remuneration for their non-jobs? And surely the real problem is that for every new job created, at least two immigrants come over here and take them?

Indeed, the creation of a system whereby low level jobs are constantly provided and taxed very little will only ever encourage even greater levels of immigration, while our layabout generation of media studies students lack the skills to compete with foreign labour. The better our country becomes, the worse it will get.

In the indisputably insightful words of Floridian commentator Richard Littlejohn, 'we need an election, not a budget'.

All of Darling's measures are too little, too late, serving no purpose other than to rob the middle classes of any remaining dignity and savings, while the poor and the foreign benefit like parasites leeching away at the scalp of our nation.

And remember, while you may not care, or be affected, or even understand the budget, the important thing to take away is that it is most certainly an excellent opportunity to beat Brown, Darling et al with a big stick.