Online Video Games 'More Addictive than Crack'

An obscure internet video game has been condemned for causing children as young as 12 to become allergic to reality, after a Swedish teenager suffered an epiliptic-type fit when he realised he wasn't really a mighty Paladin from Stormwind.

Massively Addictive Multiple Player Online Life Replacement Role Playing Internet Computer Games, or MAMPOLRRPICGs for short, are at the centre of a disturbing new crisis that has claimed over 11 million victims worldwide.

Extended sessions in virtual universes such as the 'World of Warcraft' are so gripping that many players forget how substandard real life is, causing them to suffer convulsions when they stop playing and remember that they still live in their parents' basements and don't have girlfriends. Experts fear that an alarming number of Warcraft users are beginning to exhibit classical 'reality allergy' - over-sensitivity to natural light, an inability to digest anything other than fast food and carbonated drinks and an irrational terror of employment.

The 15 year old Swede had been playing 'Warcraft' for over 24 hours before collapsing from a combination of sleep deprivation, malnourishment and over concentration. After leaving hospital, he told reporters: 'At least I have chicken.'

Sven Rollenhagen, who led a study into gaming addiction lambasted 'Warcraft' for being 'more addictive than crack cocaine'. A report from Sweden's Youth Care Foundation in Icecrown Glacier agreed, describing it as 'the most dangerous game on the market'.

Sources close to Warcraft dismissed the study, claiming that the researchers 'were just noobs'.

Nuclear Super Paedos At Large

A new breed of radioactive super paedophile is feared to be stalking Britain, posing the greatest threat to your children since video games and Facebook.

Tom Leopold, a college principal, was due to appear in court facing five charges of making and possessing child pornography, but absconded just days before his trial was to begin.

It is believed he was kidnapped by shadowy government agents as part of 'Operation Child Threat', a secret Labour scheme to undermine the middle-classes by snatching their proletariat offspring and turning them all into junior state officials with the power to issue on-the-spot fines for minor misdeeds such as whistling, littering and assault.

Sources claim Leopold was microwaved at full power until he developed super powers such as X-Ray vision and the chameleon-like ability to seamlessly blend into surroundings - including schools and bowling alleys. Government insiders say super paedos, or 'speedos', are one of the most effective methods of assaulting the traditional British family values Labour hates so much.

A judge issued a warrant for his arrest after learning of Leopold's terrifying mutation, warning police not to approach the 'radioactive' suspect in case he electricked them with his fingers.

He had been stopped by police three weeks earlier as he boarded a ferry to Ireland, but was able to escape after using Jedi mind-tricks to convince officers that his bail conditions had been relaxed and that he would be returning soon. He had a one-way ticket and has been previously convicted of absconding bail.

Mad Mel Incurs Fellow Wracists Rath

Bright-eyed, blonde haired members of Britain's up and coming Nationalist Socialist Party (BNP) reacted with fury today as a mad Jew described them as 'odious' in a reprehensible opinion piece printed in England's third most popular newspaper.

Despite being an ardent supporter of BNP policy and spending the past eight years recruiting new members into their ranks by fearlessly and tirelessly exposing the totalitarianism of New Labour and the tyranny of multiculturalism, Melanie 'Malevolent' Phillips whipped up a storm by appearing to criticise the cuddly, overly sensitive supporters of EU legislation.

Commenters were livid at Phillipses's U-turn over important issues like immigration and the free reign given to brown terrorist hoodies, as she inexplicibly launched a vile tirade against the crusading, charismatic party she had appeared to side with for so long.


John, from London, England, expressed weariness at Mel's incessant liberal agenda with an angry flurry of apostrophe's: "Not another, the BNP are all racist's, fascist's and nazi's outburst from Melanie. These attacks on them are really becoming rather tedious" he sighed. 812 readers agreed.

D Wallace from Birmingham summarised succinctly just why the BNP is so popular with Daily Mail readers: "The reason people are flocking to the BNP is simply because they represent what the people feel, and want, not what successive governments have told, or forced them to accept." 763 readers confirmed that this was true.

Jennie from London demanded an explanation for Mel's absurd description of the BNP as 'odious', before throwing the label back at the LibLabConspiracy that have destroyed our culture: "I would think that the antics of the mainstream Parties over the last 50 years could well be described as 'odious'". 710 readers also wanted to hear Mel's justification for being so mean.

Texan Alan Preen took the pillowcase off his head long enough to write: "Do you seriously consider the BNP to be a worse choice than the lying, cheating labour rabble." 813 Mail readers found his clever rhetoric hilarious and gave his post the thumbs up.

Stephen H Print from Thailand (presumably on holiday) begged Mel not to judge his favourite party quite so unjustly: "No don't condem the BNP for standing up for Briish culture and values that this totally discredited government with an unelected leader work so determindly to destroy" 616 Mailites were similarly hurt by Mel's 'condemation'.

Gary from London, meanwhile, revealed his classical education with a quip Plato himself would have marvelled upon: "Well that's how deocracy works isn't it ?", he said smoothly, while 318 other readers were dazzled by his wit and knowledge of the little-understood laws of 'deocracy'.

Rick from Newcastle summarised the BNP's rise in popularity with the all the linguistic apptitude of an early 20th Century German political leader: "The BNP are the only party standing for Britain and British people.
The labour and the tories have sold our country out..
Where is our Referendum.
Where are our Freedoms..."
...he said, jabbing his finger at an imaginary crowd, his moustache twitching with passion. 679 other readers' taches twitched in support.

Jake, from London, along with 562 friends, had trouble seeing where the trouble was: "I see no evidence that the BNP are odious thugs", before detailing his drive home through winding country roads, "I'm ready for a lurch to the right", he belched.

Michael from Yorkshire, ENGLAND, gave Mel an impromptu history lesson: "I honestly think that the BNP is a natural part of political evolution. History...... ( from ancient Rome onwards ).... is littered with examples of the extreme measures ordinary people will go to - when they feel impotent to change anything. Watch the BNP...... it will be interesting to witness politics entering a new era. It had to happen...it may do a lot of good." 524 readers thanked Michael for sharing his knowledge, but still laughed at the word 'impotent'.

But it wasn't all a big BNP friendly, happy get together, as some ignorant 'libruls' attempted to ruin the fun with their personal brand of multicultural fanaticism.

Emma from London sneered: "Can you imagine this country being run by this bunch of cowboys? What are they going to do once they've got rid of all the non-English people?", but, thankfully, 546 Mail readers slapped her down and told her to go home.

Mark C from East Yorkshire yelled uncontrollably: "There is no room in British politics for extreme right-wing, small parties like the BNP", before being booed off stage by 468 red arrows.

Shifty sounding Dan Hollingsworth from Rickmansworth said facetiously: "To all the comenters miffed about being called racists or bigots: Really? Have you not researched your party?", but was rightfully put in his place (behind the corner shop) by 356 real Brits.

Ed from London appeared to have wandered into the wrong room, bleating: "Reading the comments here makes me feel quite uneasy. I hope the extreme-right views doesn't represent Britain as a whole. As a British/Italian Jew I would be probably in a very unstable situation with the rise of a Nazi party. I better start doing something about my brown hair and olive skin before is too late, I say."

347 Daily Mail readers agreed that, yes, he should start doing something about his tell-tale impure brown hair and distasteful olive skin, and voted his comment down for showing such arrogance in admitting he's a foreigner who came over here and took things.

Silly Blonde Sues Evil Corporation

Here at Quailcliffe House, we have little time for ingrates suing their employers just because they are too sensitive to cope with a little bit of light hearted racism or hilarious sexual harassment jiggery-pokery.

Equally, however, we also whole-heartedly condemn the corrupt state owned broadcaster known as the BBC, purveyor of smut, peddlar of immorality, and shower of violent soap operas that it is.

So today's revelation that BBC TV and radio filth pimp Tessa Dunlop - presenter of such vile and distasteful programming as 'History Hunters with Bill Oddie' and BBC Radio London's 'The Late Show' - has launched a sexual discrimination claim against the Ministry of Truth Beeb, vexes us greatly.

On the one hand, there is little doubt that taking umbridge at being fired two weeks after giving birth to your child is beyond reason. Mothers should be legally obliged to surrender their lives to the good of the family the instant an infant squeezes its way out of the womb, into the terrifying, multicultural fog that hangs over New Labour's Britain like a great cloud of inclusive misery, eroding traditional values, rewarding terrorists and weakening the gene pool. A woman who tries to work after selfishly flooding herself with hormones during the 9 month gestation period is about as useful as a loincloth on a killer whale.

On the other, it is a well established fact that the BBC is one of the most harmful forces in Britain today and must be stopped before it can achieve its ultimate goal of creating a godless, tolerant country of slavish dedication to the Stalinist regime commanded by Overlord Brown and his team of spin-doctors. Therefore, any legal action against the bloated, irresponsible propaganda machine is to be encouraged.

But how are we to support a vituous financial and moral assault on a beast as wicked as Auntie, while simultaneously decrying the actions of a feckless blonde woman who lacked the common sense to wait until she had retired to have children?

If this Jezebel had been an employee of our fine newspaper, she would have been swiftly ejected from her position as soon as anyone noted even the merest suggestion of a bump beneath her blouse. You can't chase exclusives with some young libertine running around throwing up all over the newsroom.

But that is not to say the BBC took the correct course of action. They behaved recklessly and deserve to be punished for hiring such a weak, untrustworthy person in the first place, and for making us pay a licence fee.

However, Miss Dunlop is wrong to claim 'sex discrimination', because there is no such thing. She has no right to claim compensation, being a woman and all.

It's awfully confusing. We really don't know how to handle this one, and unfortunately Media Watch don't work Sundays so they can't tell us what to think. If any readers have any insights, please arrange for them to be telegrammed to use before tea time.

Facebook Gives You Cancer

For millions, logging on to the social networking website Facebook has become an integral part of daily routine, allowing them to keep track of friends they never speak to and stalk attractive co-workers.

But few are aware that every second spent mindlessly pouring over pictures from Sharon's hen night or reading Nathan's 25 truths increases the chance of catching cancer by up to 100%. Joining 'groups' - pages which multiple Facebook users can join to express either their hatred or love of common interests - is thought to cause strokes and elephantitis of the scrotum.

A study carried out by psychologist Dr Aric Sigman found that social isolation 'could alter the way genes work and upset immune responses, hormone levels and the function of arteries' - just like AIDS does.

Sigman's research, published in Biologist, described how social interaction has plummeted since 1987 while the average person's use of electronic media has doubled, resulting in a dark and lonely world where people no longer speak to each other in person or buy newspapers, but instead spend all of their time virtually 'poking' each other and sharing pictures of cats.

Although social networking sites such as Facebook were originally thought to help people connect with others and make them think they have more friends than they really do, Dr Sigman said the reality was frighteningly different: 'Social networking sites should allow us to embellish our social lives, but what we find is very different', he said, adding that 'These are not tools that enhance, they are tools that displace.’

Sigman - who also believes that TV kills people - warned that people are becoming increasingly deprived of real face-to-face personal contact, which encourages 'cuddle chemicals' that make people feel warm and fuzzy and help prevent cancer, strokes, heart disease and dementia. Such cuddley molecules are absent in the type of bleak electronic communications found on Facebook. But not MySpace.

Now Labour Wants All Boys to Have Kids

Teachers must stop teaching Maths and English to under 16 year olds and instead focus on persuading them to become fathers, according to new government advice published six years ago.

The Department of Health, embarrassed by statistics revealing that Britain still lags behind America in teen pregnancy league tables despite decades of libertinist sex 'education' workshops, has ordered that teenagers as young as five be brainwashed with the 'necessary skills, knowledge and attitudes' to make them believe they want to have children.

It is thought the new generation of childrens' children will be recruited into playgroundless Labour controlled city academies, where they will be trained as local council snoopers and taught to issue on-the-spot fines to taxpayers for minor misdemeanors such as littering or badger worrying. By the age of 12 they will already have served six years in the 'dustbin Stasi', and will become eligible to have children of their own.

'Operation Make Kids Have Kids Now', as it is known, revolves around a chilling pamphlet titled 'Baby Fathers: New Images of Teenage Fatherhood'[pdf], and features terrifying images of fathers as young as 17 professing to be 'proud and able parents'.

Teenage parenthood researcher Patricia Morgan said irrelevantly: 'This is child abuse. Fatherhood before the age of 16 should be a matter for the police', apparently unaware that all of the fathers in the pamphlet were 17 or older.

Cathy Hamlyn, head of the Ministry for Advancement of Underage Procreation and Child Redeployment (MAUPACR), described 'the timely resource' as a collection of propaganda illustrating the 'positive experiences, expectations and aspirations of teenage fathers'. It is understood a companion guide portraying traditional single teenage life without children as a dark and treacherous time of fear and isolation when young boys have only violent, alcoholic stepfathers to turn to for daily beatings, is due for publication at some point in the future.

Tim Loughton, the Tory party's children's spokesman, added that descriptions appearing in the booklet of teenage parenthood as 'the worst kind of punishment' [page iii] only served to 'glamorise teen parents' and 'encourage some [youngsters] to take irresponsible risks with sex.'

New Labour Fines Princess Diana £1000

Our contacts at another newspaper have unearthed startling evidence that New Labour is preparing to fine our beloved Princess Di £1000 for having an outdated driving licence.

It emerged recently that photocard driving licences only have a 10 year lifespan, after which they self destruct and the owner is charged £1000 for a new one. Nobody ever knew this because information about the secret expiration date is hidden on the back of driving licences; studies suggest that less than 1% of people ever read the reverse side of any credit card sized object, and thus over 99% of Britons will be hit with an unexpected renewal fee when they are forced to get a new licence.

Critics have described the situation as another example of 'politically correct stealth tax gone mad' and have warned that children are likely to suffer as an indirect result somehow.

As the above evidence shows, Princess Di now goes under the name 'Christine Robinson' and lives in Cardhampton. She was unavailable for comment at time of press, but it is likely that she was not aware of the fine and finds this kind of left-wing stealth tax appalling.

* Note *

Commited readers may have noticed that this exact same post appeared in September 2008, but a few short days after The Quail hatched, angrily screaming, from its leathery, puce-coloured shell.

If The Mail can reprint identical articles five months after publication and pretend it's news, I can too.