Sunday 13 September 2009

The remarkable prescience of Jonathan Cainer

Aries; prediction for the week ahead:

What is it that you know now that, just a while ago, you didn't know? Mind if I ask you a question? Are you sure that you know it? I see.

Well, actually, that's the wrong answer. Regardless of what it is, it's wrong! If you are sure, you are prematurely sure. See how you feel a lot later on. If you are not sure, you are merely refusing to admit what it is you are sure of!

Again, you need to see how you feel later on. Sorry to be so annoying, but deep down you know something. The time, though, is not yet right to concede as much to yourself or to anyone else. Change the topic for now. That's the only right way to proceed.*
Now that's cleared up, you're ready for the week ahead. Unless you're not, of course. Either way, you can be unsure of it. What is "it"? Who knows.

Be sure to sign up to Grand Wizard Cainer's startlingly lucid predictions here, for the low, low sum of just £5.95 per month!

* I didn't make this up. This is actually the kind of stuff he writes.


  1. You will find happiness with a new love.

  2. All mentions of Jonathan Cainer should be followed by someone posting this clip of him on an old James Randi show, comepletely embarrassing himself and getting taken apart by Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie:

  3. I was thinking of putting off doing my ironing until another time until I read his prediction for Leo- 'The iron is about as hot as it is ever going to get. If you really want to smooth out the wrinkles in a crushed piece of material, this is your moment to strike.'

    Thanks Jonathan!

  4. "Sorry to be so annoying, but deep down you know something."

    Yep Cainer i do know something, and it seems you already know that something. You're bloody annoying. How brilliantly perceptive of you.

  5. Scott Mitchell, Paisley (yes that one)15 September 2009 at 13:45

    Fookin hell!!! How much of the Mail is targetted towards utter f**kwits?

    A weekly Hitler story. A shitty horoscope with "more" if you take the "free trial" of his 5 star club. Regurgitated rants by Littlec**t. Sonia from Eastenders targeted for being porky.

    Is there anything that the Mail has going for it?

    BTW, unmoderated comments are such fun!!!

  6. Ha, aren't they just! I wonder how long they'll last?

  7. Scott Mitchell (of the Invade USA Facebook group)16 September 2009 at 12:04

    Not very long, I suspect. There's too much fact and truth being posted on the comments for Dacre's liking..

    I like to take the comments completely off topic, it p***es off the BNP morons and idiots that whine about UK immigration... while posting from f**king Alicante!!