Wednesday 16 September 2009

Sinister supermarket scheme to slay common sense uncovered

Special dispatch from Eoinín McAlpine in Bournemouth.

The Bournemouth Echo, mouthpiece of the endangered middle classes of the south west, carries an exclusive front page exposé of a sinister plot by a supermarket to remove common sense from its shelves and replace it with political correctness gone mad.

Hard-working and decent mum Lynn Hutchings fell victim to the Co-op’s draconian liquor laws, which seek to punish honest folk for allowing their helpful children to carry their booze to the counter for them.

The acquiescent, zombie-like Co-op checkout girl demanded Lynn’s 12-year-old son George produce identification before refusing the sale on the grounds that she considered Lynn to be buying the bottle of rosé for George, even though rosé is a girl’s drink.

'Whatever happened to common sense?' cried grief-stricken Lynn, who was forced to dramatically hurl her Co-op loyalty card upon the counter and cross the road to Waitrose, who happened to be all out of political correctness gone mad but did have a special on common sense, pink wine and chocolates.

Trying to make sense of the biggest news story of the year thus far, outraged Echo readers leapt to the defence of Lynn and George.

Sleep deprived commenter 'Yawwwn!' from Bournemouth likened Roségate to other examples of political correctness gone mad, such as the banning of hot cross buns in hospitals and the Union Jack being banned from town halls, both of which are probably because of non-Christians:

Rhetorically named 'Was Charlie', channelled George Orwell to predict a bleak future in which mothers with babies in prams are refused alcohol on the grounds that their upwardly mobile infants are probably buying the booze for their mums:

Summing up the whole sorry saga, however, was the impressively literate Kevvo Squarter, so incensed by the ridiculous policies of the Co-op that he felt sporadic punctuation and capital letters would best express the lunacy of the whole thing:


  1. I want to correct Kevvo Squarter (fabulous name, by the way) as he is in fact wrong. And stupid.

    I want to know what OMFGA means too.

  2. next week the bournemouth echo brings you an article of outrage on underage drinking and binge drinking....

  3. Hang on, are you seriously taking the supermarket's side on this one? It is obviously, genuinely ridiculous (not to mention completely not required by law) that a shop will refuse to sell grog to an adult if the adult happens to have a kid with them, and anyone who supports that policy should be horsewhipped through the town.

  4. Making fun of the papers and their readers doesn't necessarily mean agreement with the targets of their ire.

    Plus, I know Eoinin is a heavy drinker and would be horrified to be banned from buying his morning JD.

  5. I am, and I would. For the record, it's Jameson, not JD - give me some credit.

    Anyway, humour is colourblind, or something. I don't know, I'm pretty drunk, eh.

  6. "There are confusing laws around the sale of age-restricted goods."

    Er, no there aren't.

    You can't sell to someone under 18 or who you suspect is buying for someone under 18.

    You can't buy if you're under 18 or buying for someone under 18.

    Yeah, really confusing.

    The Co-op were a bit silly in this case but the potential fines mean that stores often err on the side of caution.

    I love Kevvo's interpretation of the law: "I cannot buy it if I look under 25."


  7. PhilH - not to agree with kevvo but you can't always buy alcohol or cigarettes if you look under 25. i know - due to my young face i am constantly id'ed and if i protest that i am, in fact 24 (25 next week!) i am told that i cannot buy alcohol if i look under 25.
    i really don't get it. i mean. you can look under 18, but most people in their mid 20s look like they are in their mid 20s.
    so - altho i agree most comments are of an absurdity, it isn't as abusrd as the "you look younger than 25" comments you get in off licences.
    i will let you know if i still get asked after next wednesday ;-)