Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Now Big Brother Britain Spies on Your Children

Comparisons were being drawn last night between New Labour Education Secretary Ed Balls and Josef Stalin, after it emerged that sinisterly named child catching organisation Classwatch had been hired to install monitoring equipment in hundreds of British classrooms to protect against the possibility of kids becoming ‘too Tory for their own good’.

The high tech equipment will be capable of capturing not just audio and visual information, but also thought crimes perpetrated by children as young as four. Equipment including menacing ceiling-mounted microphones and mysterious “hard drive” recording systems has already infiltrated around 85 primary and secondary schools, it was revealed.

The Big Brother style devices can be configured to record everything that goes on in a classroom for over 24 hours every single day and used to compile secret dossiers of bad behaviour, which might range from harmless chimp impersonations to the more serious crime of questioning Labour policy.

The autonomous pervasiveness of the Classwatch system was already being compared with the catastrophic implementation of the all-seeing HAL 9000 computer eight years ago aboard the International Space Station, which disastrously developed its own consciousness and waged a campaign of intimidation against the spaceship’s white middle-class taxpaying crew. One insider asked: ‘How long until these horrific devices become sentient and decide to try “teaching” the kids a lesson of their own? It’s just like that Terminator film. Won’t somebody think of the children?’

A spokesman for the Information Commissioner’s Office spoke out against the totalitarian scheme yesterday, saying the system raised “privacy concerns for teachers, students and their parents”, and that “The use of microphones to record conversations is deeply intrusive and we will be seeking further clarification on their use in schools and, if necessary, we will issue further guidance to head-teachers”.

He has not been seen since.

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