Daily Mail to merge with Closer magazine

Closer, the celebrity gossip magazine aimed at the vacuous and shallow, has acquired The Daily Mail, the newspaper aimed at the angry and white, in a deal analysts have described as 'unholy'.

The Mail will be distributed as a four page bound insert in the centre of Closer, and will concentrate on reporting press releases from Migrationwatch and The TaxPayer's Alliance, as well as providing useful tips on how to stay heterosexual in summer. A spokesman said: 'Four pages is more than enough now we're not carrying celeb stories about how fat Lily Allen is on our main pages. Readers will be able to flick through the mag for that, while we can focus on the fear and loathing. It's just easier this way.'

News of the merger will come as no surprise to regular Mail readers, who have become used to finding as many as 60% of stories sourced from the glossy idiot rag. It is thought that mailonline.co.uk, the newspaper's online internet website, has been running at a 10:1 Closer/actual news ratio.

In June, The Mail based pieces about Sophie Anderton's 'new curves', Kerry Katona's fall from the wagon, Anna Friel's insomnia, Jessie Wallace's diet, Chantelle's non-diet, a fat insomniac, a woman who looks like Jordan, a woman who looks like Britney, a man who had a face transplant, a bloke who found a girlfriend on Twitter,and Posh Spice's spots, on 'articles originally appearing in Closer'.