Tuesday, 10 March 2009

Now Daily Mail Website uses Kelly Brook in a gold bikini to get hits

For a newspaper so permanently bewildered by the internet, perplexed at the inexplicable appeal of Twitter, terrified of Facebook, and unable to grasp just how Google works, The Daily Mail certainly seems to enjoy a suspiciously well optimised web presence.

While lesser news publications might shy away from stories about celebrities appearing on condom packets, snobbishly deeming them 'inane' and 'barrel-scrapingly puerile', The Mail Online has no such qualms.

Within the first few paragraphs of a hard-hitting investigative report on Kelly Brook's likeness being used by the Chinese to sell prophylactics, the words 'sex', 'bikini', 'body', 'David Beckham', 'Sean Connery' and 'erectile dysfunction' appeared, suggesting that someone at Northcliffe House - probably hidden away in the basement, shackled to one of the latest Acorn computers - actually knows how the internets work.

Indeed, so full of search-engine friendly optimised keywords is the hypertext home of the tabloid behemoth, that some experts have suggested that The Daily Mail does in fact approve of the internet, despite incessant warnings that it will corrupt your children and rot your reproductive organs.

One insider, who wishes to remain anonymous, even reported seeing left-wing student idol Charlton Brooker making clandestine late night visits to an undercover Daily Mail contact in east-end London, where a bag of ready-optimised keywords was seen being exchanged for a family-sized multi-pack of Cajun Squirrel flavoured Walkers. Brooker is a well-known 'Googlebomber', attracting hundreds of thousands of visitors to his 'weblog' thanks to a wily and subtle use of popular keywords.

A spokesman for The TaxPayer's Alliance said long-windedly: 'We fully endorse The Daily Mail newspaper and its online website in their mission to attract the widest possible audience with the promise of free pictures of Kate Winslet's breasts and Emma Watson wearing a dress. By conditioning web users to associate casual racism, religious intolerance and outright homophobia with delightful pictures of half-naked celebrities, The Mail is providing British people with a valuable brain washing service that might just make Joe Public realise how terrible the world outside www.dailymail.co.uk really is, and just how much taxpayers' money New Labour squanders on politically correct nincompoopery.'

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