Saturday 11 July 2009

The Quail's guide to successful commenting

A number of readers have expressed concern that comments made underneath Daily Mail articles never see the light of day. Many assume that some malevolent leftist force is at work - possibly the PC brigade - working tirelessly to suppress freedom of expression in one of the country's finest newspapers. It's that thought police. Isn't it?

Well, no. Such suspicions, fortunately, are unfounded.

While it is true that getting a comment published on Daily Mail articles is often a frustrating and ethically questionable exercise in futility, it is not an impossible task. Follow a few simple rules and the comment guardians will gladly accomodate your misinformed rantings alongside such luminaries of the commentariat as Cllr Chris Cooke, Dave (expat) or perhaps even the incandescent Jacqui Weems of Southampton.

The first - and most obvious - rule of Mail commenting is to always agree with the article. Nobody likes a troublemaker and, ferchrissakes, there's a reason why these journalists get paid to write this stuff while you sit at home in your dressing gown bellowing pointlessly at the internet with nobody around to hear: the hacks are always right. If they weren't, they wouldn't be working for Britain's most influential newspaper would they?

Secondly, spend some time becoming versed in the vocabulary of the permanently outraged. Angry people who read the Mail identify one another by way of a particular set of linguistic cues, known as 'lazy rage inspired metaphones.' For example, when referring to 'people', Mail commenters divide the species into two distinct subgroups; good people (known as 'taxpayers') and bad people (referred to variously as 'students', 'the unemployed', or 'immigrants'). Our Prime Minister is known as 'MacBroon', and the party he represents is 'Za Nu liar bore' (often shortened to 'ZaNulab' or even 'Nulab') Your comment will not pass moderation unless it adheres to these simple lexical principles. [Study the Daily Mail dictionary if you need inspiration.]


The third rule to remember is that all comments should strike a balance between patriotism and utter disdain for this country. Remember, you love Britain - or you would if it weren't for its geography, the Government, the majority of the population, the weather, and the BBC. These are all shameful aspects of Great Britain that you should mock with vitriol, but you must never criticise the country itself or compare it infavourably to other nations. Only Stalinist Guardianistas do that.


Fourth, bear in mind that everyone else is absolutely insane and the only reason any organisation does anything is to ruin everything and pander to minorities. If you're commenting on a Mail article, feel proud that you're among a very small group of people blessed with the extraordinary ability to see through the liberal fog that clouds the judgement of everyone else on the planet. This especially applies to courts, which only make judgements based on the opposite of common sense - or 'uncommon nonsense' - and scientists, who make everything up simply to grab your tax pounds from irresponsible money-burning Government quangos. For these reasons, use as many exclamation marks as possible in your comments and illustrate your thesis by asking rhetorical questions to demonstrate your inability to even begin to cope with the madness of everyone else.

The above are general guidelines. Specific types of article demand a particular type of comment; when discussing legal action taken by a minority against a company, for example, a race claim, you MUST use the words 'Here we go again!!!' and make reference to the fact the complainant was simply motivated by the prospect of a large cash settlement. Any piece regarding so-called 'global warming' must imply that 'climate change' is nothing more than a Government conspiracy to increase taxes and that sea levels aren't going to rise because if you put an ice-cube in a glass of water and it melts, the water level doesn't rise. Richard Littlejohn's columns require a brief interjection about how he should be the Prime Minister.


It is prudent to quickly discuss style guidelines. Comments that misCapitalise random words, punctuate like a small child with an ellipsis machine gun, insert inappropriate symbols such as '#' and '/', and SHOUT at least one in five words, will stand a far greater chance of passing moderation. The comment guardians pay little due to one's ability to write accurately - poorly expressed views display an admirable passion for the topic, while simultaneously demonstrating that a high school education is unnecessary when the University of Life has shaped your world view.


Study the above carefully and before you know it, you'll have comments published daily. There's nothing like seeing your own inarticulate drivel slouching proudly beside the nation's most misinformed people.

19 comments:

  1. Also, expats must express their disgust with how vile NuLab Britain has become and compare it completely without irony to their new home. For example "Communist NuLieBoor have took all our right away! Dave - expat (China)" or "Under Broon murder is worse than here! - Tim - expat (South Africa)" or "At least women are respected here! - Bill, UK taxpayer (Saudi Arabia)."

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  2. You must also show a complete disdain for science, with comments doubting evolution particularly welcome. Furthermore if you can combine said doubts with a love of weaponry and fundamentalist Christianity then you're sorted... "At least here we can protect ourselves from those Liberals telling us we're all descended from chimps. WAS JESUS A CHIMP!?!? - Rufus (expat), Texas"....

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  3. Another meme is to express hatred for the fake poor (those on benefits who all own plasma tellies) while being sympathetic to the 'real' poor - i.e. hardworking middle-class people who can barely afford to pay for private school. Even better if you are one of these hardworking people and you can pretend that despite having earnings in the top 3% of the country, that you can't afford to do anything thanks to Scrooge McBroon. Something like "We work hard to pay for scroungers to go on holiday with OUR TAX MONEY. And yet my wife and I struggle, we haven't had a day off in 17 years and our last holiday was just after VE day. All our money is chewed up paying NuLieBoor taxes and our six kids have to go to Eton in hand-me-down uniforms" is bound to get lots of green arrows of approval.

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  4. Splendid! Also, don't forget the sages who don't bother reading past the headline before storming down to the ADD YOUR COMMENT button to yell 'Why blah blah blah with taxpayers' cash???' when the question has been answered in the 2nd paragraph.

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  5. One may also get a comment published by having a go at fat people and making generalisations that all fat people are benefit scroungers. You get extra brownie points if you explain that you are the perfect weight ("Thanks to moderate exercise"), eat high-quality food and never do anything to damage your health - such as drinking, smoking, or voting for evil socialists....

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  6. Another 100% certain method to get a comment up there is to explain that leftists favour making school standards lower than a limbo-dancing rattlesnake - just like the Soviet Union. You must also completely forget that the Soviet Union (despite its horrible dictatorship) had one of the world's best education system and managed to do things like sticking the first satellite/man/woman/dog in space and building the biggest bomb in history (not good, but it kind of demonstrates they'd do well at GCSE maths). Extra green arrows if you point out that leftists aren't very intellectual and favour the dumbing-down of the populace as part of a Marxist plot. Red arrows if you mention leftist intellectuals such as H G Wells, Marx, Bertrand Russell etc. and ask Mail readers to compare and contrast the didactic quality of their work with that of Richard Littlejohns...

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  7. Sucking up to the Queen works well. If you wish to be controversial you may wish to add a coda to your comment "I don't mind the queen but don't think we should pay for Fergie's kids to go on parties and all them other hangers-on" But praise Her Maj, tell readers how little money she costs, how much she brings in via tourism - and you'll get yourself a coveted Mail comment with more green arrows than Robin Hood could fire in a month...

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  8. Applying a religious zeal to free-market fundamentalism is always a winner. Hence in the real world a comment such as "Governments have never done anything that worked ever" would be greeted with "Ummm, dude, the post office, roads, nuclear submarines, universities, scientific research, the RAF, winning WW2, running a big empire that took over 1/3 of the planet" etc. In Daily Mail world however, lots of expats & esteemed transatlantic readers (from Texas usually) will come on and agree that only a free-market with no taxes can save society and then happily go back to their work as police, soldiers, Lockheed workers and bailed-out bankers...

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  9. A further technique is to take a social problem directly related to modern consumerism/greed - and blame it on socialists (added arrow cred for sticking the knife into women as well). For example "Oh no, these women are earning tons of cash in jobs then spending it all on shoes and parties and spoiling their horrible kids who then become money-grabbing little monsters with no regard for anyone in society... this is what socialists want" or "Scumbag bankers have ripped off billions from all of us to spend on private jets and buying Elton John memorabilia on Ebay - thats what socialism does for you!"
    In a similar vein comments pointing out that Lenny Henry is a bit racist wheras Gollywogs and Nick Griffin are just misunderstood will attract an orgy of up-clicking arrow trolls...

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  10. Sex and teenage pregnancy starting in 1997 is always a popular topic. Green arrows galore for "Do you see what liberalism gets you!? Pregnant teenagers! In my day we never had anything like this", but alas red arrows for "I don't suppose anyone wonders why venereal disease was so rampant in the past? Or why you had special homes for 'fallen women'? And did the Romans get their ideas for orgies from Peter Mandleson?"... if by some miracle it was published, the following: "Yes we should shut down businesses selling smut to our kids! Lets prosecute Rupert Murdoch and Richard Desmond! And lets go after Dacre too for his pervy obsession with half-dressed 16 year olds!" would get some 15000 red arrows and break the Mail's servers.

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  11. Any comments with "ELECTION NOW!!!!!!!!!!" will get published.

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  12. Comments pointing out that unless you went to private school, followed by engineering at Cambridge, you are a halfwit who probably studied Surfing or (HORRORS) Mee-ja always do well. As paradoxically do comments expressing a total disdain for tertiary education "These graduates think their clever, but i lernt in the university of life and had a good scooling at my grammer. I can stll spel now and I'm 50!"

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  13. Anything which rants against teaching modern scientific ideas is always a hit. Hence "School modules on critical thinking and stuff about DNA!!?? When I was at school we learnt how to read and do sums!" is just super. Popular variants include dissing computers "Why do they need to teach IT? I'm a pensioner and it only took me a day to understand the Internet", sniping at sport "Kids today don't do any sport because the PC crowd won't let them!" and of course completely misunderstanding what is actually taught in class - "I wouldn't want my kid doing history these days, all they learn about is Communism and slavery. I bet they don't even teach the war because they don't want to offend the EU TRAITORS RUNNING OUR ONCE-GREAT COUNTRY"...

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  14. Any reference to the EUSSR will get posted. Because as we all know its run by socialists such as Berlusconi, Sarcozy and Merkel....

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  15. Expressing sympathy is only relevant if the subject of the story is middle-class (or above). Say you have a story about a coke-addled banker who shot 3 people then jumped out of a window. Comments like "He must have cracked under the stress. What terrible news for his family" will make the grade. Conversely say a working-class black kid is stabbed while walking home at 9pm then comments should typically read along the lines of "Why was he out so late then?"

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  16. Similar to blame it on the socialists, comments that blame all inappropriate/criminal female behaviour on feminism are welcome. Hence the Mail may run an article on a porn star, who recently OD'd on drugs while running over several fleeing nuns and the top-rated comment will invariably be "TYPICAL FEMINIST!!"...

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  17. If a person from another race gets a good job then commenters should put their success down to PC and/or affirmative action. For example, the current nominee for the chief of Nasa, Charles Bolden has several science degrees, flew in the Vietnam war, trained as a test pilot, won various medals & awards and has 6000 hours flying time. He also became an astronaut and piloted the space shuttle, spending over 600 hours in orbit. But, he's black. So the correct Mail comment on his appointment would be "But is he REALLY the best-qualified candidate for this sort of job?"

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  18. You may post comments critical of the Tory party (and especially Cameron) so long as you only promise to vote for a party that has zero chance of gaining any power. Good comment: "I don't trust Cameron, he's too smarmy. Thats why I'm voting BNP"... Bad comment: "Don't like Cameron. Nick Clegg seems a decent politician"... VERY BAD comment: "Gordon's done quite well. This time last year we were expecting the apocalypse and he managed to stabilise the situation without the country collapsing. He's definitely earned my vote in the next election"

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