Sunday 18 January 2009

Poverty 'A Lie', Says Hitchens

Monobrowed swivel-eyed obsessive right wing journalist Peter Hitchens revealed yesterday that poverty does not exist in Britain and is in fact a lie invented by New Labour.

'The British "poor" of today do not starve, do not freeze, do not go without medical treatment – as truly poor people across the world undoubtedly still do', said the bilious columnist, as sources confirmed that the whole concept of poverty was indeed made up by Alastair Campbell to trick the middle classes into believing their lives were ok compared to fictitious 'poor people'.

Adhering to one of The Quail's fundamental pillars of news reporting, that all things can be defined as either good or bad but never in between, Hitchens eloquently summarised exactly why the middle class is good and the working class is bad in an entirely non-vacuous, completely meaningful fundamental truth: 'The middle classes are not good because they are better Off [sic]. They are better off because they are good.'

In a blow to self-appointed 'charity' organisations such as 'Oxfam', which brazenly claims that poverty does exist in Britain and encourages hardworking British taxpayers to donate their own money to supposed 'poor' people, Hitchens laid bare the undeniable truth that 'poverty' is nothing more than moral bankruptcy fuelled by 'a grim mental diet of TV slurry and an almost total absence of good examples in their lives [and] "anti-depressants"'.

A local 'homeless' man, who preferred not to be named, said: 'Fair enough - the game's up. I guess I'll have to go back home to my penthouse flat in Knightsbridge now everyone knows the truth. I was only sleeping rough on the street, begging for small change in sub zero temperatures and eating once a week because I thought it would be a laugh. That Hitchens bloke really knows his stuff.'

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